I Had Hoped To Be Normal

I had hoped that I would not be writing this out so soon, and I had also been wishing that it would be a different type of story. I hoped it would be a story of complete joy and happiness without any fears or worries. I was hoping that I wouldn’t write this story until after Thanksgiving. However, this story isn’t the worst birth story that I have ever written because in this birth story my baby is alive.

On Monday, October 15, 2012, I woke up feeling pretty good even though the night before I hadn’t gotten any sleep. My hips were hurting from my rheumatoid arthritis, so I spent the night feeling my precious little Ellie move all around. I now cherish that sleepless night because that was the last night I got to spend time with her all alone moving around doing her dances. That morning I ate some Capt'n Crunch, a bagel and cream cheese, and messed around on facebook until about 11:40 when I had a contraction.

 I knew right away that this was not good. I knew this was not a Braxton Hicks. I took a Benadryl in hopes it would not be a real contraction, but in the back of my mind I knew that this was it. We had been holding our breath for weeks and now it was happening again. I put a call into my nurse to tell her what was going on.  While I was on with their answering machine I was frantically looking up the statistics that Ellie could live at 26 weeks 3 days gestation. I found a website that told me that our odds were 80-90%. By the time I hung up from leaving a message I was having another one. So, I went to the bathroom and I found blood.  By this point in time my mom had called Tanner to have him come pick us up and take us to the hospital.  Tanner was at the house in no time flat and we dashed off to Wesley. I went into the emergency room where they took their sweet time getting me up to labor and delivery. They got me into a room and insisted on checking me to see if I was dilated.

I really didn’t want them to check me because I was worried they would speed things up, but I had to let them. I was already dilated to a 2 and my bag was bulging. They immediately gave me my first steroid shot to help develop Ellie’s lungs. When they gave me the shot they told me that in 24 hours I could have another one and 48 hours from the first shot we would have the full effect. I was so thankful that I had made it far enough in the pregnancy to get the shot, but terrified that I wouldn’t get both shots for the full effect.

While giving me the steroid shot they started a magnesium drip to help slow the contractions down. I wasn’t able to have one of these with Robby because I wasn’t far enough along. By this point the contractions were getting worse, but I was able to breathe through them pretty well while staying relaxed. The magnesium drip made me feel like I had the flu. I got extremely hot and it was hard to breathe, but I didn’t care what it made me feel like if it was going to help my contractions slow down.

Dr. Hague came to see me and told me that she didn’t think I would deliver that night. She said that Ellie’s heart rate wasn’t dropping any when I was contracting, which was a good sign. She told me that I would stay down there in labor and delivery for monitoring until my contractions stopped, then they would move me upstairs and by Thursday they would send me home to be in my own bed. She seemed so calm and confident that everything was going to be fine. Before she left she told me not to let ANYONE touch me again. She didn’t want me to have any checks or even have a sonogram until the next day. 

Since I was having contractions the hospital automatically sent over a NICU doctor to talk to us about what our odds were and what would happen. By this point my dad and brother had joined my mom, Tanner, and I so we were all present to meet Dr. Hsaio. I later realized that Dr. Hsaio’s first name was Robert, so I like to think of that as a sign from Robby.

He came in and told us that ideally I would not deliver that night and that I could hold out until Ellie had reached 28 weeks gestation. At that point her odds of surviving would go up to 98%. He went through what would happen at delivery and afterwards. He said that they would have a team present at her birth to intubate her right after and I might possibly be able to see her for a moment before taking her to the NICU depending on how she was doing at birth. After that it could be a couple hours before we would see her again. They would take her to the NICU and get her situated.  He then started talking about all the problems she could have and the long road that it would be. Dr. Hague seemed so sure I wouldn’t deliver, so I was only half way listening in hopes that we wouldn’t need all of this very scary information.

While Dr. Hsaio was visiting with us my contractions got closer together and I started to feel blood trickling down my leg. I wasn’t too concerned about it because that happened with each contraction that I had with Robby, and I was able to hold out for days. However, when I told the nurse they got really concerned. They of course wanted to check me and do an internal sonogram to see how dilated I was and to make sure my placenta was still attached. I told them that they needed to talk to Dr. Hague first since she had given me strict instructions to not let anyone touch me again.

The hospital doctor told me that Dr. Hague cleared it, but I was still extremely nervous so our super sweet nurse had Dr. Hague call me herself to ease my fears. The sonogram tech came in and did a quick sonogram to see what was going on. While she was doing the sonogram I couldn’t help but flash back to when we had Robby. We got one last sonogram to see him moving around before I delivered him. I was frustrated with the tech because she wouldn’t let me see the screen, and the only thing I could think of was that this could be the last time I would get to see my baby moving around. So, thankfully my mom said something and the tech moved the screen and let me see Ellie’s face on the sonogram machine.  The sonogram technician left and the doctor came in to tell me that the placenta was fine, but they couldn’t see my cervix on the screen, which meant that I was fully dilated. However, there was more news- Ellie was transverse. Instead of being head up or head down she was laying sideways which meant that I needed to go back for an emergency c-section.  Suddenly, it truly hit me that I wasn’t going to get a chance to keep Ellie inside longer. I didn’t have a choice now because if we didn’t go back as soon as possible, she could die.

Almost immediately there were TONS of people in my room getting me ready and about to wheel me back. They weren’t sure if anyone was going to get to come back with me to the operating room because of the situation.

I had the sweetest nurse, who was actually exactly- to the day-as pregnant as I was. She had me and one other patient, but she told the other nurses they needed to take the other one because she needed to stay with me. 

They were wheeling me back so quickly that I didn’t have much time to say anything to anyone before I went back except that I loved them. All I could think about was that my body had failed again and that it was too soon for Ellie to be born. My mom and Tanner begged our nurse to try really hard to get someone back in the room with me so that I didn’t have to be alone while this was happening.  I went back into the operating room and everyone was extremely nice. They placed the epidural and I almost immediately couldn’t feel anything from my chest down. The anesthesiologist showed me that I couldn’t feel anything over a certain line on my body by using a sharp object to poke me. After they placed the epidural I went from crying that we hadn’t made it to Thanksgiving to laughing because I couldn’t feel my legs back to crying again.

Dr. Hague showed up and my nurse asked if my mom could come back and she replied “of course.” I don’t think I could have handled it by myself. During my pregnancy with Robby and this pregnancy the joke always was that if I had to have a c-section that my mom was going to go back with me. Well, all joking aside, Tanner and I had discussed what would happen if I did need a c-section and he told me that he would want my mom to be back there with me. Tanner couldn’t handle being back there with all the people and in a surgical room, especially in this emergency situation. When he is nervous he can’t sit still, and when my mom came back wearing her beautiful blue suit, they told her to not touch anything blue, which was pretty much everything in the entire room. It helped just seeing her walk in because I could see on her face that she wasn't afraid.

My mom in her blue suit!

There were so many people there- people for me and people for Ellie. Once they got started I could feel tugging, but not any pain. The only thing I really remember about all of it was that they had to tug really hard. I would later learn that she was stuck, so they had to cut my uterus two ways- sideways and up and down. Dr. Hague told me that means if I ever deliver again it will always be by c-section.

 Delphine Claire Smith was born at 10:02 P.M When she came out it was so loud in the room with all of the people that I couldn’t hear anything, but they told me that she did let out some cries. They worked on her for about 10 minutes and then they let me see my precious little girl. They intubated her, but since she was breathing some on her own they held her down by me, and my mom was able to get some pictures of me seeing my baby girl for the first time. Then, they wheeled Ellie away and Dr. Hague stitched me up. They were all talking about how big she looked and they even started to guess what her weight would be. Dr. Hague was positive she would be 2 pounds 2 ounces. My mom was guessing 1 pound 10 ounces. I was praying that Dr. Hague was right because I know it increases the odds when your baby hits the 2 pound mark before birth.

My first look at Ellie!

Once I was stitched up I was wheeled back into my room where I got to see Tanner, Justin, and my dad. We told them how beautiful Ellie was, and then we sat and waited for them to come get Tanner so he could see his beautiful daughter. Our nurse came in with Ellie’s stats and told us that she was 1 pound 12 ounces and 13 and a half inches long. She scored a 6 on her first apgar and an 8 on her second which they were extremely pleased about! Finally about an hour and a half later they came in and got Tanner, my dad, and Justin so they could go see Ellie. Since my mom saw her earlier she stayed with me. 

When Tanner came back I could see his love for Ellie glowing in his eyes! He told us that he was able to put his hand in the isolette with her and she grabbed onto his finger! Tanner then went back with my mom so that she could see Ellie again. After that we got all packed up from the room we were in and we headed upstairs to our new room. On our way up to my new room Tanner and I were able to stop in at the NICU and see Ellie. Since she is on an end they were able to just wheel my bed right up to her bedside so that I could sit and look at her. We sat there for about twenty minutes before I had to go. I cried the whole way back up to the room because I just wanted to hold her and be with her like a normal mom and newborn would get to do. Once they got me settled in the room, my dad and brother left, but Tanner and my mom stayed with me. We had two beds and a chair. Tanner slept in the bed and my mom started out in the chair. I ended up bawling all night because it was night time that Ellie was the most active, and now not only could I not feel her, but I couldn’t hold her or see her either.

Ellie is already a daddy's girl holding onto his finger

My night nurse saw how upset I was and insisted that she help my mom get me down to the NICU with all my wires and iv’s.

I got to sit with Ellie for about an hour and a half before having to leave again. Once again I cried when I left the NICU. I still cry every time I leave the NICU.

Up until a week ago Ellie was doing well for her age and size. She has recently developed pneumonia in both lungs and has been diagnosed with Chronic Lung Disease and that is a big setback. The doctors and nurses keep telling us that this is going to be a long roller coaster ride, so to expect good days and bad days. I hate it when the bad days come, but I just try to remember that this roller coaster ride is so much better than the one we rode in February because that one only had “downs,”---- there were no “ups.” 

Our first family picture

As I said, this isn’t the type of birth story I wanted to write, but the most important thing is that our sweet little Ellie is alive.

It was mine and Tanner’s plan to have several more children, but because they aren’t sure why I keep going into preterm labor, we have decided that it would be best for me to not try to carry another child, but I think that is a blog for another day.

Our goal is to have Ellie home by the end of January, so we would appreciate all the thoughts and prayers we can get! My mom started a facebook group for anyone who wants to keep up with Ellie, follow her journey, and see her pictures. I don’t know how much time I will have to blog, but Ellie's facebook group is updated several times a day with new news and pictures. 

Click To Go To Ellie's Group

For those of you coming in late and would like to know Robby's story:

Click To Go To Robby's Story

23 Weeks 1 Day

I have needed to blog for a few weeks now, but I just haven’t. 

It isn’t because I couldn’t find the time as the Gilmore Girls, the Walton’s, the Cleaver's and the Cosby’s don’t keep me that busy, but I haven’t been able to find the words.

The last few weeks have been difficult not only for me, but for everyone who is around me.  The whole pregnancy so far has been stressful, but the last few weeks have been even worse because they have been leading up to yesterday, the day I turned 23 weeks. 

We lost Robby at 23 weeks, which means that today (23 weeks and 1 day) I am more pregnant than I ever got to be with Robby.  I am thrilled that we have made it this far with Ellie, but at the same time, I can’t help but be sad that this was all the time that we got with Robby. I didn’t get to take a 23 week picture with Robby, so I am thankful and blessed to take a 23 week picture with Ellie. 

23 Weeks 1 Day

For the past couple weeks Tanner and I have been going to bed earlier and earlier each night. Night time is when my anxiety about the possibility of going into preterm labor and losing Ellie is the worst, so my doctor gave me some anti-nausea medicine that makes me sleepy and each night at about 7:30 I take it and Tanner and I go to bed. Right now we are doing anything and everything to keep my stress level down so that I can stay calm. 

Some people might think that today I can be happy and my fears about going into preterm labor should be gone, but even though I am thankful for today, Ellie is still not safe.  I am still nervous as ever because I love Ellie so much and I pray every day that she will be our “take home baby.”

Yesterday I had my appointment at the doctor to get my p17 shot and heart beat check. Since we were out for the shot that day we made one brief stop. Yesterday we stopped at Von Maur to get a coming home outfit for Ellie. My mom and I tried to get one a couple weeks ago after an appointment, but once we got into Carter’s I had a panic attack and we left empty handed. It overwhelmed me being in the store around all those baby clothes. So yesterday when we stopped I pretty much just stood there while mom got our options (we wanted a preemie outfit so our selection was limited) and I chose from those.  This is the first outfit we have purchased for Ellie. I love Ellie so very much, but buying things for her is very difficult right now because I am still so scared of losing her. 

Ellie's Coming Home Outfit

I am incredibly blessed to have so many people out there praying for me- friends, family, friends of family, and people that I don’t even know! I can’t tell you how much we appreciate all of the prayers. Please continue to pray that Ellie stays put for at least 60 more days!  I am so thankful for today, that I am pregnant today, and that I can feel Ellie moving today. We will continue to take it one day at a time.

Here is an update on Ellie

Cravings

-          Cotton Candy

-          Any type of sugary cereal

-          My dad’s homemade pizza

-          Banana Split from Braum's (I actually had one of these for breakfast last week!)

-          Hot Chocolate

Movement

-          Ellie likes to move a lot at night, but she is moving throughout the day as well. She doesn't move much during the morning hours. Several of my friends have been able to feel Ellie moving around. I love sharing this miracle with everyone who wants to feel her moving and kicking.

Appointments

-          I have an appointment every Friday for my shot and heartbeat check

-          This week we have an ultrasound on Thursday and we can hardly wait to see Ellie on the big screen

-          Every other Tuesday I go in to see my doctor, Dr. Hauge

“ Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. “

-          Philippians 4:6-7

6 Months Later

It has been six months.

Six months since I gave birth to our son, Robby.

Six months since we held our precious little boy in our arms.

Six months since Robby went to go be with Jesus.

Six months since our lives were changed forever. 

Some days it seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms, but other days it feels like it was another lifetime ago. 

After Robby died I had a friend who had lost a baby tell me that it would get easier as time went on. I remember thinking six months ago that it sounded impossible.  How could losing my baby get easier as time went on? How could I continue on without our baby boy? 

Well, even though the pain hasn’t lessened any, I have found ways to cope.  

I now have several support groups full of women who, just like me, have lost a child and some have even lost children. When I am having a difficult day they rally around me and tell me that what I am feeling is normal and okay. When I get angry and need to explode they let me explode on them because they understand. They know what it is like to just feel mad at the world. 

I have learned to lean on my husband, family, and friends during my hardest days. I don’t know what I would have done without any of them these past six months. I have so many people who continue to check in on me several times a week and some check in on me daily even six months after we lost Robby. I have even been blessed with people that I have never actually personally met that check in on me frequently. Friends of friends, friends of my mom, and people who have become friends with me through the online support groups. I still have days that I don’t want to talk to anyone, but I really appreciate that they are thinking about me and care enough to still check in on me. 

I have learned that it is okay to cry. Some weeks I cry every day, but I have noticed that I now sometimes will go several days or even a week without having a good cry. Sometimes it all builds up and just explodes. That happened about a week ago. All it took was to see a picture of a beautiful little newborn boy pop up on my newsfeed to send me into tears. I cried and cried and cried, and then I felt a little better. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. Sometimes crying really can help.

I have learned that I love to talk about my son. I have noticed that a lot of people are scared to bring him up, but I love to talk about Robby. I love to talk about when I was pregnant with him because that was the only time I had with him. Even though sometimes I cry when I talk about him I still love to hear his name and I love to say his name. 

One of my biggest fears since we lost Robby was that people will forget him. When we announced that we were having a girl one of my girls, Brittany, wrote this on my Facebook and it made me realize that the people who truly loved Robby won’t ever forget him. He will always have a special place in their hearts. 

“YAY YAY YAY! baby Ellie is a new part of the smith family we are all so happy that it was a baby girl team PINK all the way baby!! but we will all still miss baby robby he will always be in our hearts and loved forever and ever ♥ LOVE- aunt Bri Bri:)”

Just recently I have learned that two opposite emotions, joy and grief, can exist at the same time. I grieve the loss of Robby each and every day, but at the same time I have so much joy every day that Ellie is growing and thriving right now. I never would have thought that I could feel these two emotions at the same time.

But most of all, I try to remember that even though I can’t carry Robby in my arms; I carry him in my heart everywhere- everyday. I doubt our family will ever feel complete because Robby isn’t here with us. I can't imagine ever being able to take a family picture without being sad that our little boy isn’t here with us. I doubt we will ever take a family vacation when I won’t think about how it would have been if Robby were with us. Life won’t ever be the same, but it isn’t supposed to be the same. Robby changed our lives so much and in such a drastic way. 

“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you, wherever you are.” ~Nancy Tillman 

97 Days Until Thanksgiving

Today we had our anatomy scan with our MFM, Dr. O’Hara. At the anatomy scan they look at the baby’s heart, brain, stomach, kidneys, liver, gall bladder, arm lengths, leg lengths, spine, etc. to make sure they all look okay and are all growing normally. Since this was a pretty important appointment, I have been really nervous for the past week or so leading up to this sonogram. 

So, today we went in and got to see Baby B for about a 45 minute sonogram, which was great! Everything looks perfect and the baby looks very healthy so far! It was like a little visit with our baby and what a wonderful 45 minutes we had watching Baby B move and wiggle and be totally uncooperative for the ultra sound tech!

After our sonogram we had an appointment with Dr. O’Hara for a check- up. She said that other than the contractions I have been experiencing, things look good. My cervix looks good and that is very important. She told me to continue to take it very easy and just do exactly what I am doing. Hopefully the shots will continue to do their job and Baby B will stay put for a long time! Dr. O'Hara is hopeful that I can make it to 32 weeks and that would be Thanksgiving. 97 days. Baby B needs to hold on and hang in there for at least 97 more days.

So, the big news from today’s appointment is that our baby is healthy! However, we do have another bit of exciting news to share. Tanner and I have been on the fence about finding out if Baby B is a boy or a girl, but we decided that we do want to know. 

We are having a little girl! 

When we got home from our appointment we had several visitors come over to see the new pictures of the baby and hear about the appointment. First Caitlin came over. She knew before the appointment that we were going to find out the sex of the baby, so she was really excited to come over and get the news! She thought girl all along, so she was pretty excited!

Emily, Sally, and Katie also came right over to find out boy or girl! Emily came over with a pink cupcake and a blue cupcake. She held them both out and told me to pick which one it was! Her face was priceless! Emily had also thought girl all along.

While Sally, Emily, Katie, and Caitlin were here we were talking about our baby girl and somebody said that she will be one spoiled little girl and Tanner said:

“Oh, she will get anything she wants!”

Well, we already know who has Daddy wrapped around her little finger!

Then, the four girls came over! I didn’t tell them that we decided to find out boy or girl so they came over to see the new pictures of the baby. They had no idea that we knew the gender! After they heard about the appointment I asked them if they wanted to play a quick game of Skip-Bo with me. What they didn’t know was that we had already set up the cards and on the very last of their draw pile my mom had written out a note that said  It’s a Girl!

So, we started to play the game and as the pile got smaller my dad grabbed the camera to get a video of their reaction. Abby is the one that drew that very last card and what a reaction we got! She didn’t get it at first, but she did after a second and they are all thrilled that they are going to get a niece!

When we were pregnant with Robby we had a girl name picked out and we had planned to use that name at whatever point we were blessed with a girl. About a week ago when Tanner and I were talking about names we changed our minds and decided to go with something different, an older not so trendy name, and a name that has a whole lot of meaning to us- especially me.  We have chosen the name:

Delphine Smith

and we will call her Ellie.

Delphine is a family name- it was my great grandmother’s name. Growing up I was very close to my Great Grandma. I was born on her birthday, so we always shared a very special bond. 

Great Grandma was one of the strongest Christian women I have ever known. She had so many obstacles thrown in her way, but no matter what happened she leaned on her faith,  had the best attitude, and continued on. She was a strong, compassionate, loving, Christian woman. She was someone I looked up to and admired.

That is how Tanner and I want our little girl to be- we want her to be exactly like Great Grandma, so we thought that it would be very fitting to name our precious little girl after her.  We haven't decided on a middle name yet. We are tossing around about 3 different names for little Ellie's middle name- but there is plenty of time for that. 

So for now, we will continue to bond with and love our little princess Ellie.

Ellie's Sweet Profile

Ellie's Precious Little Feet

I'm Scared

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant.

I love my baby so very much.

and 

I am scared. 

Up until this point my pregnancy has physically been fine. I have had really bad nausea, acne, and I have been incredibly tired, but those things are not problems in pregnancy- those are symptoms of pregnancy- symptoms that I am so thankful to have. This pregnancy has been difficult on me emotionally because I am scared that I will lose this baby like I lost Robby.

On Wednesday morning I woke up to a sharp pain in my belly- a pain that I knew meant something was wrong. I called my doctor and they had me go in to check my cervix. 

The good news is that my cervix is still long and closed, but the bad news is that I have already started to have contractions. Yes, some people contract throughout their pregnancy, but since I went into preterm labor with Robby we are all on high alert.  My doctor gave me a much higher dose of progesterone, told me to drink tons of water, take Benadryl (to help calm my uterus,  and take it really easy. 

Today I went back into the doctor's office because I am now 16 weeks pregnant, which means, that I got to start my p17 shots. The purpose of the p17 shot that I am going to take every week is that it will hopefully help calm my uterus down to keep me pregnant longer. I will take these clear up until I deliver Baby B. The shot goes into a muscle, and the liquid is really thick, so it does hurt going in and left me sore, but I am certainly not complaining and I would gladly take the shot in my eye if that’s what it took to keep me pregnant until after Thanksgiving. 

Since my goal is Thanksgiving I am now officially half way, but even though I should feel relieved, I am scared. I am so very scared. The contractions brought back the memories and emotions from when I went into labor with Robby. It is very important that the contractions stop. Baby B needs ALOT more time to grow and develop. So, Baby B and I could use your prayers right now. 

 We need prayers that the contractions stop, prayers that the p17 shots do their job, prayers that God leads my doctors in making the right decisions, and prayers that Tanner and I will be blessed with our take home baby.

Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

16 Weeks

Baby B 15 weeks 5 days