Amanda's Life For $800, Alex!

 Since starting Ellie’s facebook page, a lot of people have been welcomed into our lives as we share every detail about Ellie's health, daily life, and medical care and treatments. Many of these people have become very dear to our hearts and we truly appreciate how much they care about Ellie. I made a list of the questions that I get asked frequently (whether in person, facebook message, or email) so that you can all know and understand a little bit more about me.
 

How are you doing emotionally? I am so thankful for Ellie. I know that with her being born at 26 weeks, so many things could have gone wrong during her NICU stay, and we could have been there much longer. Having Ellie here doesn’t make the pain of losing Robby any less, but she is certainly the bright spot in my life. It is hard to be sad when I look at her sweet little face every day. Robby’s angelversary (the day he went to heaven) is quickly approaching, which has been difficult for me.

Why don't you drive? I don’t drive because I lack feeling in my hands a lot of the time due to my neuropathy. I remember the last day I drove because when I went to park my car, I wasn’t able to get my car out of gear.  It took me several minutes and a lot of pain to accomplish this small task.  On that same trip I was unable to turn the steering wheel at the intersection where I needed to turn. It was frightening going through a light when I should have turned. I ended up detouring to get to my destination. At that point I knew that it was not safe for me to continue driving. When I was about 16 I started having trouble with my hands, but instead of just admitting that I was having a problem with my hands I just passed off me not driving very much to the fact that I didn’t care to drive. I didn’t want anyone to know about my hand problems, but as I got older the weakness in my hands just got worse and the point came when it was time to give up driving and admit to everyone why I didn’t drive. Someday when I am able to get on medicine I would love to be able to drive again!

How are you and Tanner doing? Tanner and I are doing good. We have been through a lot in our relationship, and this is just another chapter in our story. It has been very hard being away from him for so long, but we do not want to put Ellie at risk of getting sick. Since Tanner works in retail he is exposed to all kinds of junk during RSV and flu season. We have to be extra careful with Ellie because of her Chronic Lung Disease, so even though I hate being away from Tanner, for now it is what is best for Ellie.

Are you going to homeschool Ellie since you were homeschooled? Yes, the plan is for me to homeschool Ellie. I loved being homeschooled- it was a wonderful experience for me, and I can’t wait to homeschool Ellie!

How is your c-section recovery going? Recovery from my c-section was actually very easy.  I was sore for a few days, but since I am used to being in pain most of the time, it really did not seem that bad. My doctor doesn’t use staples, so that was very helpful.  The only time my incision hurt really bad was when I laughed, and when you have a baby in the NICU, laughs are few and far between, so it really wasn’t too bad!

 When are going to finish college? I am a senior and very close to graduating with my Elementary Education degree, but the classes that I have left all require me to do a lot of time in the Elementary schools. This wouldn’t be a big deal for most mothers of typical newborns, but since Ellie has Chronic Lung Disease I have to be extra careful. If I decide to finish my Elementary Education degree I will wait until Ellie is at least two years old to go back into the schools. Recently I have been thinking about just finishing up with a Liberal Arts degree so that I can be finished. I can always go back later to student teach which would allow me to get my Education degree.

Why do you live with your parents? When Tanner and I got married my health was very poor. I was in a wheelchair most of the time, and I needed help doing simple things such as showering, fixing my hair, and getting dressed. I am not on any medication right now due to the fact that when we got married we planned to start trying to get pregnant right away and the medication out there for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia is not safe for pregnant/breastfeeding women. We basically have half of my parent’s house which gives us plenty of room. We have three bedrooms, a bathroom, living room, a kitchen and a dinette area. Now that Ellie is here I doubt (even if we could) that they would let us leave anytime soon because they love being able to see her everyday and they are so in love with their granddaughter!  I am thankful that we have the option to live with my parents as the extra help is needed and greatly appreciated!

Are you going to have any more children? Our plan before we lost Robby was to have several children very close together, but after we lost Robby our plan changed to several children all spread out. Well, now we have to re-think that plan. Because of my health issues and the two preterm births, we are leaning towards me not carrying another child. However, we do want more children.

Have you thought about adoption?  Tanner and I have seriously considered adoption. It is something that I wanted to do even before I realized that I might not be able to carry another child to term. We have also looked into a gestational carrier. The difference between a surrogate and a gestational carrier is that the baby that she would be carrying would be genetically mine and Tanner’s child.  It is mine and Tanner’s prayer that if this is the road for us to take that God will put someone in our life that is willing to carry a child for us.

Why did you get pregnant so soon after losing Robby? I got asked this question a lot while Ellie was in the NICU. When many of the nurses figured out that I had Robby in February 2012, prematurely, they questioned why I got pregnant so soon. Some people are genuinely curious, but others made me feel as if Ellie’s premature birth was my fault because I got pregnant so soon after having him. This did quite a job on my emotions right after delivery.  I had several meltdowns due to this question and the judgment I received. There were times that they had me convinced that it truly was my fault, but I just had to be reminded by my mom that Dr. O’Hara gave me the a-ok.  Right after giving birth to Robby I went to go see an MFM, Dr. O’Hara, who told me that (after running several tests) there was no reason for us to wait to get pregnant. Her reasoning was that Robby wasn’t considered viable at his 23 week gestation, (viability is 24 weeks) so we didn’t have to follow the normal guidelines. She believed that getting pregnant would be best for my mental health. So, I got pregnant so soon because an expert told me that it was okay. Tanner and I wanted to try again as soon as possible, and we did.

Will your fibro, arthritis, neuropathy ever go away? No, they won’t ever go away. Hopefully once I am done breastfeeding I will be able to find a medication that will help to ease my pain. Since all of my health issues are chronic, so they don’t go away. With the fibromyalgia I did go into remission when I was pregnant with Robby and it stayed in remission until 16 days after having Ellie. I am so thankful for that time that I was free of the fibromyalgia!

Is Ellie's room done yet? No, her room is still not done!  I have a few projects that I am still working on, but we are getting close! Ellie's room is the room we had put together for Robby and I didn't re-do it at all during my pregnancy with Ellie so there was plenty to do! It would be much easier to finish her room if I were able to get out and shop, but since I am unable to get out it is taking much longer than I would like it too! As soon as it is done, I will post pictures.

Is it hard being stuck at home all the time? Yes, it is hard being stuck at home. I would love to be able to get out and do my own grocery shopping, buy stuff for Ellie, eat a meal at Texas Roadhouse or even just take a stroll around Target while drinking some Starbucks. However, I know that this is what is best for Ellie. If I were to go to the grocery store then I am exposing myself to all kind of germs, and since I have a weak immune system, the chances of me getting sick and bringing something home to Ellie would be very high. I am so thankful that she is home, and if staying home from January through April is what is best for her, then that is what I will do!

Did you go into pre term labor because you are too small or maybe you didn't gain enough weight? This question always makes me laugh. If you turn on MTV and watch an episode or two of Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant, you will see girls who are much smaller than me, and they manage to have full term babies. Neither of my high risk doctors were concerned with my weight at all. When I questioned if my lack of weight gain was an issue, Dr. O'Hara told me that the most important time to gain is in your third trimester. Well, I didn’t ever make it that far!

What would you have done differently in your pregnancy if you could go back? While I was pregnant with Ellie I refused to buy anything for her and I wouldn’t work on her nursery. If I would have had a crystal ball and knew for certain that Ellie would come home, I would have done things differently. I would have gone shopping for her so that when she arrived she could have had tons of clothes, tu-tu’s, and hair bows! I also would have gotten her nursery all ready for  her. I was so terrified of losing her and having to pack her stuff up like we had to do with Robby that I just didn't buy a thing.

Is Delphine a family name? Yes, Ellie is named after her great-great-grandmother. My great-grandmother and I were very close. We shared a birthday, and she was very special to me. She was a strong, Christian woman, and when we learned that Ellie was a girl, I knew that I wanted our little girl to be just like her.

You and your mom seem very close, but does she ever get on your nerves? My mom and I have always been very close, and we are very used to being with each other all of the time. We definitely have our moments, but overall we get along extremely well. She really is my best friend, and I don’t know what I would do without her!

Are you going to write a book? Or....as Nanny says:"Amanda needs to write a book!" I love to read, and because of my love for reading I have always wanted to write a children’s book, but I wasn’t ever sure what topic I would write about. Well, after this past year, I have come up with two topics that I would love to write about- being a NICU baby, and being the child after a late loss. I know that there is already a book out there about being the child after a late loss, but I don’t feel that this topic is a “one book fits all” type of topic. Different people handle their losses differently. I know that these books wouldn’t ever become best sellers, but they are two topics that are very dear to my heart.

How long is your mom going to continue to update Ellie’s page? My mom plans on continuing to update Ellie’s page as long as people are interested! We love having it especially now during RSV season so that we can keep family and friends updated with Ellie’s new pictures and her progress. We hate not being able to have visitors, but we hope that all of our pictures and updates make people feel like they are part of her life.

Those are the questions I am most commonly asked! I appreciate each and every one of you that have become a part of Ellie's life through her facebook group! Ellie is proof that there is power in Prayer!

A Year To Always Remember

This morning while I was sitting in my rocking chair, rocking my sweet little Ellie, I started to think about this past year and all that it has brought us.

This year has been a year of: life and death, a funeral and a homecoming,  sorrow and joy, answered prayers and some prayers not answered the way we had hoped, lessons learned, new friends made, and so much more.

2012 has by no means been an easy year. It has without a doubt been the hardest year of my life, but yet as the year comes to an end I find myself very thankful for a special little someone who blessed us with her presence this year.

The year started out in complete and utter devastation when Robby died. I didn’t think that we could ever continue on without our precious little Robby. When we lost Robby I truly learned that life is not fair and that as much as you want something, sometimes it just does not happen. God has a plan and only He knows what it is. 

While I was in the hospital laboring with Robby I spent so many hours pleading with God to please let us keep Robby, but in the end I had to accept that we live in an imperfect world where bad things happen. It wasn’t the doctor’s fault, God’s fault, or even my own fault. It was a product of us living in a sinful and imperfect world.

Having to hand Robby over to the nurse after he died was truly the low point of my year. Even though I have learned to deal with Robby’s death I have not “moved on.” As I have said in blog posts before I will never move on from Robby because he is a part of who I am- he makes up a large part of my story.

When I got pregnant with Ellie things started to look up for us. I made it past 23 weeks and we were starting to feel comfortable with the possibility that I could make it at least until Thanksgiving with Ellie, but Ellie had plans of her own and graced us with her presence three months early!

Ellie’s birth was by no means the picture perfect birth, but what I had to keep reminding myself when I was in the OR was that Ellie was 26 weeks and she had a great chance of not only surviving, but thriving. We had a rocky start in the NICU when Ellie got pneumonia and was on the ventilator for 5 weeks. There were days that she struggled so much, and I wasn’t sure that she would make it, but our little princess pulled through and surprised everyone! As Dr. Hsaio said "Ellie is kick a**."

I truly did learn about the power of prayer while Ellie was in the NICU. Shortly after Ellie was born my mom started a facebook group to keep family and friends updated on Ellie’s progress. Well, little did we know- Ellie’s group grew to over a thousand people! I never dreamed that there would be so many people out there “Loving Ellie.” I have to say, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude to all of the people out there who have become invested in Ellie, people who faithfully pray for Ellie, people who have cried with us on the rough days as well as cheered us on with each victory- big or small. Ellie's group is a great reminder that there is power in prayer!

As the year ends I can’t look back on the whole year and say that it was an amazing year, but I can say that I am extremely thankful that in the midst of our storm, a beautiful rainbow blessed us.

For those of you that don’t know, a rainbow baby is the name that is given to the baby born after a loss. It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath- it means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Ellie is the true definition of a rainbow. She has brought so much light and hope into our lives, and for that we are thankful.

I wish that Robby could be here to be an earthly big brother to Ellie, but that is not an option. Ellie has a wonderful big brother up in heaven who is always watching over her, rooting for her, and sending her love.

I am thankful that Ellie is here to help us ring in a new year and I plan to spend each and every day enjoying every moment.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

~Buddha

For All These Things I Am Thankful

This Thanksgiving is going to be bittersweet for me. As many of you know, we were counting down the days until Thanksgiving, because on Thanksgiving I would have been 32 weeks pregnant, and that was our goal. We had a countdown going on a dry erase board at home, and we planned on starting our Ellie shopping at that point.  I was really starting to get excited about all of the things I was going to buy for our baby girl.

When I went into labor our board said 38 days until Thanksgiving.

This is what I get for planning. I am starting to realize that my plans are not my own- God is in control, and no matter how much I plan and hope, things are in His hands.
So, I wanted to be thankful this Thanksgiving that I was still pregnant, but instead of dwelling on what I wish I was thankful for this year, I want to focus on what I AM thankful for.

I am thankful for Ellie. Although I wish that she would have waited a little bit longer to make her appearance, I am so thankful that she is here and doing well. I am thankful that we live in a day and age where a 1 pound 12 ounce baby cannot only just survive, but thrive as well. I love our little princess so much and we are so blessed to have her here with us, even if it is earlier than we would have liked.

I am thankful for the time we had with Robby. I wish that we would have had longer with him, but he was such a blessing to us.  When I got pregnant with Robby, my fibromyalgia went into remission, and that was his gift to me. Even though Robby isn't here with us, he lives on in our hearts forever and he will always be our little boy.

I am thankful for the year I had in remission. My fibromyalgia came back 16 days after giving birth to Ellie, but I had a whole year that we never thought that I would have. I had a year when I was able to dance, walk, hug my family, and hold my husband's hand without being in horrible pain. Even though it is back now, I am so thankful for that year that I had.

I am thankful for my husband, Tanner. This past year has been incredibly hard on the both of us, but he has been amazing through it all. He stood by my side during all of my health issues and is one of the most kind and caring people I know. I believe all that has happened has brought us closer together and strengthened our bond.

I am thankful for my parents. They have been such an amazing support system to me and Tanner. When we lost Robby, they were there for us to support us and help us through our hardest days. When I was pregnant with Ellie they encouraged us and gave us hope. Now that Ellie is here they continue to be here for us. My mom is up at the hospital with me each day.  She helps keep me calm when things are getting rough and helps to lift my spirits when I feel like things are hopeless. My dad comes up every day with a lunch for me and my mom. Some days he even makes us homemade pizza and brings it up for us because he knows that it is my favorite! They have been my rock this past year and I don't know what I would do without them. I am so very thankful for them.

I am thankful for my brother. He has been here for me and Tanner so much in the past year, and especially now. Justin lives only a few miles from the hospital, so he is letting Tanner, my mom, and me stay with him while Ellie is in the hospital. It is easier for me to leave the hospital at night knowing that if at midnight I need to go back and check on Ellie we are so close. He is even letting my dog, Barbie, stay at his house!

I am thankful for my grandma who has been cooking some of my favorite meals and sending them to my brother’s house so that after a long day at the hospital we have something nutritious to eat.

I am thankful for my friends who continue to check on me and come see me at the hospital even though when they make the trip up to the hospital they rarely ever get to see Ellie.  I can’t wait to be thankful for the day to come when all of our friends and family can see Ellie each time they visit!

I am thankful for the June Bugs. The June Bugs are a group of women that all have something in common...we were all due in June of 2012. We all went through the same pregnancy things around the same time and shared a bond that way. When we lost Robby, these women rallied around me and since then have continued to support me. Even though I am not technically a June Mommy, these women have continued to make me feel like part of the group, and this helps me feel like Robby's memory lives on.

I am thankful for my pregnant after a loss and pregnant after a late loss groups. Being pregnant after a loss is really hard, but having women who knew exactly what I was going through helped me so much. They were there to support me during my pregnancy, and they are continuing to support me now that Ellie is here. These women are so strong, and I am thankful to have such an amazing support group in them.

I am thankful for Dr. Hague. She helped get me further along this pregnancy than I did with Robby, and since we made it longer, Ellie has been given a much greater chance. I am so very thankful that she had me come in for appointments more than even necessary just to put my mind at ease. She is a wonderful person and I feel blessed that she was my doctor.

I am thankful for all the people out there who are praying, thinking about, and loving Ellie. There are so many people who I know online, in person, and people I don't even know who are praying for Ellie. I am so encouraged when I log on and see all of the clicks, comments, and posts that are being left for Ellie. She is so loved, and I am touched that there are so many people out there "Loving Ellie" and cheering us on.

I am thankful for some of the nurses who have taken a special interest in Ellie. It helps put my mind at ease when the nurse taking care of Ellie really knows her and what she likes and doesn't like. These nurses have been wonderful and very understanding of why I want to be up at the hospital with Ellie all of the time.

I am thankful for the families that we have met here at the NICU. We share a bond that is special because we are going through pretty much the same thing. We are all dealing with the stress of having a baby in the NICU. We all go through good days and bad days. We rejoice with each other on the good days, and encourage each other on the bad days. I am thankful to have made such wonderful friends.

So, my plan wasn't God's plan. I do not get to be thankful that I am still pregnant, but I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  Thank you all so much for your support through Ellie’s NICU journey this far, it will be long, and I am so very thankful for each and every one of you out there praying for our little princess. 

I Had Hoped To Be Normal

I had hoped that I would not be writing this out so soon, and I had also been wishing that it would be a different type of story. I hoped it would be a story of complete joy and happiness without any fears or worries. I was hoping that I wouldn’t write this story until after Thanksgiving. However, this story isn’t the worst birth story that I have ever written because in this birth story my baby is alive.

On Monday, October 15, 2012, I woke up feeling pretty good even though the night before I hadn’t gotten any sleep. My hips were hurting from my rheumatoid arthritis, so I spent the night feeling my precious little Ellie move all around. I now cherish that sleepless night because that was the last night I got to spend time with her all alone moving around doing her dances. That morning I ate some Capt'n Crunch, a bagel and cream cheese, and messed around on facebook until about 11:40 when I had a contraction.

 I knew right away that this was not good. I knew this was not a Braxton Hicks. I took a Benadryl in hopes it would not be a real contraction, but in the back of my mind I knew that this was it. We had been holding our breath for weeks and now it was happening again. I put a call into my nurse to tell her what was going on.  While I was on with their answering machine I was frantically looking up the statistics that Ellie could live at 26 weeks 3 days gestation. I found a website that told me that our odds were 80-90%. By the time I hung up from leaving a message I was having another one. So, I went to the bathroom and I found blood.  By this point in time my mom had called Tanner to have him come pick us up and take us to the hospital.  Tanner was at the house in no time flat and we dashed off to Wesley. I went into the emergency room where they took their sweet time getting me up to labor and delivery. They got me into a room and insisted on checking me to see if I was dilated.

I really didn’t want them to check me because I was worried they would speed things up, but I had to let them. I was already dilated to a 2 and my bag was bulging. They immediately gave me my first steroid shot to help develop Ellie’s lungs. When they gave me the shot they told me that in 24 hours I could have another one and 48 hours from the first shot we would have the full effect. I was so thankful that I had made it far enough in the pregnancy to get the shot, but terrified that I wouldn’t get both shots for the full effect.

While giving me the steroid shot they started a magnesium drip to help slow the contractions down. I wasn’t able to have one of these with Robby because I wasn’t far enough along. By this point the contractions were getting worse, but I was able to breathe through them pretty well while staying relaxed. The magnesium drip made me feel like I had the flu. I got extremely hot and it was hard to breathe, but I didn’t care what it made me feel like if it was going to help my contractions slow down.

Dr. Hague came to see me and told me that she didn’t think I would deliver that night. She said that Ellie’s heart rate wasn’t dropping any when I was contracting, which was a good sign. She told me that I would stay down there in labor and delivery for monitoring until my contractions stopped, then they would move me upstairs and by Thursday they would send me home to be in my own bed. She seemed so calm and confident that everything was going to be fine. Before she left she told me not to let ANYONE touch me again. She didn’t want me to have any checks or even have a sonogram until the next day. 

Since I was having contractions the hospital automatically sent over a NICU doctor to talk to us about what our odds were and what would happen. By this point my dad and brother had joined my mom, Tanner, and I so we were all present to meet Dr. Hsaio. I later realized that Dr. Hsaio’s first name was Robert, so I like to think of that as a sign from Robby.

He came in and told us that ideally I would not deliver that night and that I could hold out until Ellie had reached 28 weeks gestation. At that point her odds of surviving would go up to 98%. He went through what would happen at delivery and afterwards. He said that they would have a team present at her birth to intubate her right after and I might possibly be able to see her for a moment before taking her to the NICU depending on how she was doing at birth. After that it could be a couple hours before we would see her again. They would take her to the NICU and get her situated.  He then started talking about all the problems she could have and the long road that it would be. Dr. Hague seemed so sure I wouldn’t deliver, so I was only half way listening in hopes that we wouldn’t need all of this very scary information.

While Dr. Hsaio was visiting with us my contractions got closer together and I started to feel blood trickling down my leg. I wasn’t too concerned about it because that happened with each contraction that I had with Robby, and I was able to hold out for days. However, when I told the nurse they got really concerned. They of course wanted to check me and do an internal sonogram to see how dilated I was and to make sure my placenta was still attached. I told them that they needed to talk to Dr. Hague first since she had given me strict instructions to not let anyone touch me again.

The hospital doctor told me that Dr. Hague cleared it, but I was still extremely nervous so our super sweet nurse had Dr. Hague call me herself to ease my fears. The sonogram tech came in and did a quick sonogram to see what was going on. While she was doing the sonogram I couldn’t help but flash back to when we had Robby. We got one last sonogram to see him moving around before I delivered him. I was frustrated with the tech because she wouldn’t let me see the screen, and the only thing I could think of was that this could be the last time I would get to see my baby moving around. So, thankfully my mom said something and the tech moved the screen and let me see Ellie’s face on the sonogram machine.  The sonogram technician left and the doctor came in to tell me that the placenta was fine, but they couldn’t see my cervix on the screen, which meant that I was fully dilated. However, there was more news- Ellie was transverse. Instead of being head up or head down she was laying sideways which meant that I needed to go back for an emergency c-section.  Suddenly, it truly hit me that I wasn’t going to get a chance to keep Ellie inside longer. I didn’t have a choice now because if we didn’t go back as soon as possible, she could die.

Almost immediately there were TONS of people in my room getting me ready and about to wheel me back. They weren’t sure if anyone was going to get to come back with me to the operating room because of the situation.

I had the sweetest nurse, who was actually exactly- to the day-as pregnant as I was. She had me and one other patient, but she told the other nurses they needed to take the other one because she needed to stay with me. 

They were wheeling me back so quickly that I didn’t have much time to say anything to anyone before I went back except that I loved them. All I could think about was that my body had failed again and that it was too soon for Ellie to be born. My mom and Tanner begged our nurse to try really hard to get someone back in the room with me so that I didn’t have to be alone while this was happening.  I went back into the operating room and everyone was extremely nice. They placed the epidural and I almost immediately couldn’t feel anything from my chest down. The anesthesiologist showed me that I couldn’t feel anything over a certain line on my body by using a sharp object to poke me. After they placed the epidural I went from crying that we hadn’t made it to Thanksgiving to laughing because I couldn’t feel my legs back to crying again.

Dr. Hague showed up and my nurse asked if my mom could come back and she replied “of course.” I don’t think I could have handled it by myself. During my pregnancy with Robby and this pregnancy the joke always was that if I had to have a c-section that my mom was going to go back with me. Well, all joking aside, Tanner and I had discussed what would happen if I did need a c-section and he told me that he would want my mom to be back there with me. Tanner couldn’t handle being back there with all the people and in a surgical room, especially in this emergency situation. When he is nervous he can’t sit still, and when my mom came back wearing her beautiful blue suit, they told her to not touch anything blue, which was pretty much everything in the entire room. It helped just seeing her walk in because I could see on her face that she wasn't afraid.

My mom in her blue suit!

There were so many people there- people for me and people for Ellie. Once they got started I could feel tugging, but not any pain. The only thing I really remember about all of it was that they had to tug really hard. I would later learn that she was stuck, so they had to cut my uterus two ways- sideways and up and down. Dr. Hague told me that means if I ever deliver again it will always be by c-section.

 Delphine Claire Smith was born at 10:02 P.M When she came out it was so loud in the room with all of the people that I couldn’t hear anything, but they told me that she did let out some cries. They worked on her for about 10 minutes and then they let me see my precious little girl. They intubated her, but since she was breathing some on her own they held her down by me, and my mom was able to get some pictures of me seeing my baby girl for the first time. Then, they wheeled Ellie away and Dr. Hague stitched me up. They were all talking about how big she looked and they even started to guess what her weight would be. Dr. Hague was positive she would be 2 pounds 2 ounces. My mom was guessing 1 pound 10 ounces. I was praying that Dr. Hague was right because I know it increases the odds when your baby hits the 2 pound mark before birth.

My first look at Ellie!

Once I was stitched up I was wheeled back into my room where I got to see Tanner, Justin, and my dad. We told them how beautiful Ellie was, and then we sat and waited for them to come get Tanner so he could see his beautiful daughter. Our nurse came in with Ellie’s stats and told us that she was 1 pound 12 ounces and 13 and a half inches long. She scored a 6 on her first apgar and an 8 on her second which they were extremely pleased about! Finally about an hour and a half later they came in and got Tanner, my dad, and Justin so they could go see Ellie. Since my mom saw her earlier she stayed with me. 

When Tanner came back I could see his love for Ellie glowing in his eyes! He told us that he was able to put his hand in the isolette with her and she grabbed onto his finger! Tanner then went back with my mom so that she could see Ellie again. After that we got all packed up from the room we were in and we headed upstairs to our new room. On our way up to my new room Tanner and I were able to stop in at the NICU and see Ellie. Since she is on an end they were able to just wheel my bed right up to her bedside so that I could sit and look at her. We sat there for about twenty minutes before I had to go. I cried the whole way back up to the room because I just wanted to hold her and be with her like a normal mom and newborn would get to do. Once they got me settled in the room, my dad and brother left, but Tanner and my mom stayed with me. We had two beds and a chair. Tanner slept in the bed and my mom started out in the chair. I ended up bawling all night because it was night time that Ellie was the most active, and now not only could I not feel her, but I couldn’t hold her or see her either.

Ellie is already a daddy's girl holding onto his finger

My night nurse saw how upset I was and insisted that she help my mom get me down to the NICU with all my wires and iv’s.

I got to sit with Ellie for about an hour and a half before having to leave again. Once again I cried when I left the NICU. I still cry every time I leave the NICU.

Up until a week ago Ellie was doing well for her age and size. She has recently developed pneumonia in both lungs and has been diagnosed with Chronic Lung Disease and that is a big setback. The doctors and nurses keep telling us that this is going to be a long roller coaster ride, so to expect good days and bad days. I hate it when the bad days come, but I just try to remember that this roller coaster ride is so much better than the one we rode in February because that one only had “downs,”---- there were no “ups.” 

Our first family picture

As I said, this isn’t the type of birth story I wanted to write, but the most important thing is that our sweet little Ellie is alive.

It was mine and Tanner’s plan to have several more children, but because they aren’t sure why I keep going into preterm labor, we have decided that it would be best for me to not try to carry another child, but I think that is a blog for another day.

Our goal is to have Ellie home by the end of January, so we would appreciate all the thoughts and prayers we can get! My mom started a facebook group for anyone who wants to keep up with Ellie, follow her journey, and see her pictures. I don’t know how much time I will have to blog, but Ellie's facebook group is updated several times a day with new news and pictures. 

Click To Go To Ellie's Group

For those of you coming in late and would like to know Robby's story:

Click To Go To Robby's Story