Thankful But Struggling

Being pregnant after losing a baby is a difficult mindset to have. 

When I was pregnant with Robby, the most important things on my mind were if he was going to be a boy or girl and what our nursery theme was going to be. That was what was on my mind and that was the extent of my worry.  

If only I could go back to being that naive…

This time however, it is a whole different ball game. I have a different mindset, and the only thing on my mind these days is whether or not I will get to hold this baby for longer than two hours. I sit around thinking about how far I need to get (in the pregnancy) so that this baby can survive and come home with us. I sit around and hope and pray that God lets us keep this baby, that this baby doesn’t go to join Robby up in heaven. 

I can’t even bring myself to think or to worry about if this baby will be a boy or girl because that means I am planning for the future, a future that isn’t certain.  I planned on Robby being here, I planned on him being here with us this month- actually this week (June 22), and what did I get for planning?

I still avoid the baby sections at stores. So far, being pregnant hasn't helped me to overcome this obstacle.

Recently I went into Old Navy to pick up a maternity tank top, and I ended up having a meltdown because of course the maternity clothes are right by the baby section. Baby clothes still make me cry. I should have a baby right now who could be wearing those adorable baby clothes.

I don’t plan on buying anything for the nursery or for the baby and when I do buy it will only be what the baby actually needs- such as a car seat, diapers, and a couple of onesies. I just can’t let myself go there again. I can’t let myself go buy things for this baby after we very recently had to pack up all of Robby’s things. I can’t do that again.

I hate going to Dr. Hague's office (my high risk OB) because each time I do I am surrounded by not only pregnant women, but also by women with babies- new, crying, beautiful babies.  I should have a new crying baby, so hearing that beautiful sound hurts my heart and makes my arms ache for my baby. 

I went to dinner the other night with my mom and Caitlin and Caitlin (bless her heart) had to ask that we be moved to a different table because there was a baby right beside us-crying, which then made me cry. 

A good friend of mine, who also had a very recent late loss, asked me if being pregnant has helped me any. That was a difficult question to answer because my feelings are just different now. 

I still miss Robby. I miss him terribly, but now along with feelings of sadness I now have fear. However, losing Robby has taught me something very important. 

I have learned to cherish every single moment of pregnancy. 

When I look in the mirror each morning and I see the fiftieth pimple pop up on my face, I thank God.

When I feel nauseous, I thank God. 

When I am so tired that I think I could fall asleep standing up in the grocery store, I thank God. 

I have learned to appreciate each and every moment that I get with this baby, even if I am sick and tired and covered in pimples! I love that I get to be sick and tired because that means that I am pregnant, that for today this baby is still thriving and growing. It means that my body is still letting our baby mature and grow some more.

Sally- “ How is Miss Prego feeling?”

Mom- “Nauseous”

Sally- “Yay! Yay! Yay!”

We are just so incredibly thankful for each and every pregnancy symptom!

So for now I am trying to focus on the fact that today I am pregnant and I love my baby.

 

This Friday, June 22,  was supposed to be my due date for Robby. A big thank you to my girls (Brooke, Brittany, Courtney, and Abby) for going to the cemetery with us and launching balloons with little notes in them to our sweet little Robby. 

For all of those asking- here is my "Baby B" update:

~I feel nauseous first thing in the morning and then again by late afternoon until bedtime. 
~I crave Sbarro pizza, lemonade, Super Ropes, and Movie Theater popcorn (from the movie theater) with plain M&Ms mixed into it.
~My doctor put me on a dose of progesterone nightly to help sustain my pregnancy and a baby aspirin daily to help prevent blood clots and cervical inflammation.
~My bump is quite a bit bigger this time than it was last time at the point in the pregnancy.
~Although my bump is low (like a boy) it seems to be not quite as low as it was with Robby. We will see if it continues to move up or if I am just going to carry Baby B low.
~I am 10 weeks pregnant. The fun fact of the week that I gave the girls this week was: "Baby B" no longer has a tail!

~Baby's heart rate was 184 on the sonogram at our appointment.

On Friday I got in the car to run some errands with my mom and I noticed a round red spot with a deep purple ring around it. There was a small red spot in the red that looked like a spider bite so I immediately started to freak out. My thoughts were something like this…

“ Oh my gosh spider venom is going to get to my baby!” 

So, I went into the minor emergency room and told them that I am pregnant and paranoid and I think I have a spider bite. The doctor came in, took a look at it, and very calmly told me..

“Well, it looks like a bruise!”

Yep, I went into the minor emergency room for a bruise!

This is going to be a long pregnancy- for me and my doctors, but this little baby will be worth each and every moment because Baby B is such a wonderful blessing from God.