23 Weeks 1 Day

I have needed to blog for a few weeks now, but I just haven’t. 

It isn’t because I couldn’t find the time as the Gilmore Girls, the Walton’s, the Cleaver's and the Cosby’s don’t keep me that busy, but I haven’t been able to find the words.

The last few weeks have been difficult not only for me, but for everyone who is around me.  The whole pregnancy so far has been stressful, but the last few weeks have been even worse because they have been leading up to yesterday, the day I turned 23 weeks. 

We lost Robby at 23 weeks, which means that today (23 weeks and 1 day) I am more pregnant than I ever got to be with Robby.  I am thrilled that we have made it this far with Ellie, but at the same time, I can’t help but be sad that this was all the time that we got with Robby. I didn’t get to take a 23 week picture with Robby, so I am thankful and blessed to take a 23 week picture with Ellie. 

23 Weeks 1 Day

For the past couple weeks Tanner and I have been going to bed earlier and earlier each night. Night time is when my anxiety about the possibility of going into preterm labor and losing Ellie is the worst, so my doctor gave me some anti-nausea medicine that makes me sleepy and each night at about 7:30 I take it and Tanner and I go to bed. Right now we are doing anything and everything to keep my stress level down so that I can stay calm. 

Some people might think that today I can be happy and my fears about going into preterm labor should be gone, but even though I am thankful for today, Ellie is still not safe.  I am still nervous as ever because I love Ellie so much and I pray every day that she will be our “take home baby.”

Yesterday I had my appointment at the doctor to get my p17 shot and heart beat check. Since we were out for the shot that day we made one brief stop. Yesterday we stopped at Von Maur to get a coming home outfit for Ellie. My mom and I tried to get one a couple weeks ago after an appointment, but once we got into Carter’s I had a panic attack and we left empty handed. It overwhelmed me being in the store around all those baby clothes. So yesterday when we stopped I pretty much just stood there while mom got our options (we wanted a preemie outfit so our selection was limited) and I chose from those.  This is the first outfit we have purchased for Ellie. I love Ellie so very much, but buying things for her is very difficult right now because I am still so scared of losing her. 

Ellie's Coming Home Outfit

I am incredibly blessed to have so many people out there praying for me- friends, family, friends of family, and people that I don’t even know! I can’t tell you how much we appreciate all of the prayers. Please continue to pray that Ellie stays put for at least 60 more days!  I am so thankful for today, that I am pregnant today, and that I can feel Ellie moving today. We will continue to take it one day at a time.

Here is an update on Ellie

Cravings

-          Cotton Candy

-          Any type of sugary cereal

-          My dad’s homemade pizza

-          Banana Split from Braum's (I actually had one of these for breakfast last week!)

-          Hot Chocolate

Movement

-          Ellie likes to move a lot at night, but she is moving throughout the day as well. She doesn't move much during the morning hours. Several of my friends have been able to feel Ellie moving around. I love sharing this miracle with everyone who wants to feel her moving and kicking.

Appointments

-          I have an appointment every Friday for my shot and heartbeat check

-          This week we have an ultrasound on Thursday and we can hardly wait to see Ellie on the big screen

-          Every other Tuesday I go in to see my doctor, Dr. Hauge

“ Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. “

-          Philippians 4:6-7

6 Months Later

It has been six months.

Six months since I gave birth to our son, Robby.

Six months since we held our precious little boy in our arms.

Six months since Robby went to go be with Jesus.

Six months since our lives were changed forever. 

Some days it seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms, but other days it feels like it was another lifetime ago. 

After Robby died I had a friend who had lost a baby tell me that it would get easier as time went on. I remember thinking six months ago that it sounded impossible.  How could losing my baby get easier as time went on? How could I continue on without our baby boy? 

Well, even though the pain hasn’t lessened any, I have found ways to cope.  

I now have several support groups full of women who, just like me, have lost a child and some have even lost children. When I am having a difficult day they rally around me and tell me that what I am feeling is normal and okay. When I get angry and need to explode they let me explode on them because they understand. They know what it is like to just feel mad at the world. 

I have learned to lean on my husband, family, and friends during my hardest days. I don’t know what I would have done without any of them these past six months. I have so many people who continue to check in on me several times a week and some check in on me daily even six months after we lost Robby. I have even been blessed with people that I have never actually personally met that check in on me frequently. Friends of friends, friends of my mom, and people who have become friends with me through the online support groups. I still have days that I don’t want to talk to anyone, but I really appreciate that they are thinking about me and care enough to still check in on me. 

I have learned that it is okay to cry. Some weeks I cry every day, but I have noticed that I now sometimes will go several days or even a week without having a good cry. Sometimes it all builds up and just explodes. That happened about a week ago. All it took was to see a picture of a beautiful little newborn boy pop up on my newsfeed to send me into tears. I cried and cried and cried, and then I felt a little better. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. Sometimes crying really can help.

I have learned that I love to talk about my son. I have noticed that a lot of people are scared to bring him up, but I love to talk about Robby. I love to talk about when I was pregnant with him because that was the only time I had with him. Even though sometimes I cry when I talk about him I still love to hear his name and I love to say his name. 

One of my biggest fears since we lost Robby was that people will forget him. When we announced that we were having a girl one of my girls, Brittany, wrote this on my Facebook and it made me realize that the people who truly loved Robby won’t ever forget him. He will always have a special place in their hearts. 

“YAY YAY YAY! baby Ellie is a new part of the smith family we are all so happy that it was a baby girl team PINK all the way baby!! but we will all still miss baby robby he will always be in our hearts and loved forever and ever ♥ LOVE- aunt Bri Bri:)”

Just recently I have learned that two opposite emotions, joy and grief, can exist at the same time. I grieve the loss of Robby each and every day, but at the same time I have so much joy every day that Ellie is growing and thriving right now. I never would have thought that I could feel these two emotions at the same time.

But most of all, I try to remember that even though I can’t carry Robby in my arms; I carry him in my heart everywhere- everyday. I doubt our family will ever feel complete because Robby isn’t here with us. I can't imagine ever being able to take a family picture without being sad that our little boy isn’t here with us. I doubt we will ever take a family vacation when I won’t think about how it would have been if Robby were with us. Life won’t ever be the same, but it isn’t supposed to be the same. Robby changed our lives so much and in such a drastic way. 

“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you, wherever you are.” ~Nancy Tillman 

97 Days Until Thanksgiving

Today we had our anatomy scan with our MFM, Dr. O’Hara. At the anatomy scan they look at the baby’s heart, brain, stomach, kidneys, liver, gall bladder, arm lengths, leg lengths, spine, etc. to make sure they all look okay and are all growing normally. Since this was a pretty important appointment, I have been really nervous for the past week or so leading up to this sonogram. 

So, today we went in and got to see Baby B for about a 45 minute sonogram, which was great! Everything looks perfect and the baby looks very healthy so far! It was like a little visit with our baby and what a wonderful 45 minutes we had watching Baby B move and wiggle and be totally uncooperative for the ultra sound tech!

After our sonogram we had an appointment with Dr. O’Hara for a check- up. She said that other than the contractions I have been experiencing, things look good. My cervix looks good and that is very important. She told me to continue to take it very easy and just do exactly what I am doing. Hopefully the shots will continue to do their job and Baby B will stay put for a long time! Dr. O'Hara is hopeful that I can make it to 32 weeks and that would be Thanksgiving. 97 days. Baby B needs to hold on and hang in there for at least 97 more days.

So, the big news from today’s appointment is that our baby is healthy! However, we do have another bit of exciting news to share. Tanner and I have been on the fence about finding out if Baby B is a boy or a girl, but we decided that we do want to know. 

We are having a little girl! 

When we got home from our appointment we had several visitors come over to see the new pictures of the baby and hear about the appointment. First Caitlin came over. She knew before the appointment that we were going to find out the sex of the baby, so she was really excited to come over and get the news! She thought girl all along, so she was pretty excited!

Emily, Sally, and Katie also came right over to find out boy or girl! Emily came over with a pink cupcake and a blue cupcake. She held them both out and told me to pick which one it was! Her face was priceless! Emily had also thought girl all along.

While Sally, Emily, Katie, and Caitlin were here we were talking about our baby girl and somebody said that she will be one spoiled little girl and Tanner said:

“Oh, she will get anything she wants!”

Well, we already know who has Daddy wrapped around her little finger!

Then, the four girls came over! I didn’t tell them that we decided to find out boy or girl so they came over to see the new pictures of the baby. They had no idea that we knew the gender! After they heard about the appointment I asked them if they wanted to play a quick game of Skip-Bo with me. What they didn’t know was that we had already set up the cards and on the very last of their draw pile my mom had written out a note that said  It’s a Girl!

So, we started to play the game and as the pile got smaller my dad grabbed the camera to get a video of their reaction. Abby is the one that drew that very last card and what a reaction we got! She didn’t get it at first, but she did after a second and they are all thrilled that they are going to get a niece!

When we were pregnant with Robby we had a girl name picked out and we had planned to use that name at whatever point we were blessed with a girl. About a week ago when Tanner and I were talking about names we changed our minds and decided to go with something different, an older not so trendy name, and a name that has a whole lot of meaning to us- especially me.  We have chosen the name:

Delphine Smith

and we will call her Ellie.

Delphine is a family name- it was my great grandmother’s name. Growing up I was very close to my Great Grandma. I was born on her birthday, so we always shared a very special bond. 

Great Grandma was one of the strongest Christian women I have ever known. She had so many obstacles thrown in her way, but no matter what happened she leaned on her faith,  had the best attitude, and continued on. She was a strong, compassionate, loving, Christian woman. She was someone I looked up to and admired.

That is how Tanner and I want our little girl to be- we want her to be exactly like Great Grandma, so we thought that it would be very fitting to name our precious little girl after her.  We haven't decided on a middle name yet. We are tossing around about 3 different names for little Ellie's middle name- but there is plenty of time for that. 

So for now, we will continue to bond with and love our little princess Ellie.

Ellie's Sweet Profile

Ellie's Precious Little Feet

I'm Scared

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant.

I love my baby so very much.

and 

I am scared. 

Up until this point my pregnancy has physically been fine. I have had really bad nausea, acne, and I have been incredibly tired, but those things are not problems in pregnancy- those are symptoms of pregnancy- symptoms that I am so thankful to have. This pregnancy has been difficult on me emotionally because I am scared that I will lose this baby like I lost Robby.

On Wednesday morning I woke up to a sharp pain in my belly- a pain that I knew meant something was wrong. I called my doctor and they had me go in to check my cervix. 

The good news is that my cervix is still long and closed, but the bad news is that I have already started to have contractions. Yes, some people contract throughout their pregnancy, but since I went into preterm labor with Robby we are all on high alert.  My doctor gave me a much higher dose of progesterone, told me to drink tons of water, take Benadryl (to help calm my uterus,  and take it really easy. 

Today I went back into the doctor's office because I am now 16 weeks pregnant, which means, that I got to start my p17 shots. The purpose of the p17 shot that I am going to take every week is that it will hopefully help calm my uterus down to keep me pregnant longer. I will take these clear up until I deliver Baby B. The shot goes into a muscle, and the liquid is really thick, so it does hurt going in and left me sore, but I am certainly not complaining and I would gladly take the shot in my eye if that’s what it took to keep me pregnant until after Thanksgiving. 

Since my goal is Thanksgiving I am now officially half way, but even though I should feel relieved, I am scared. I am so very scared. The contractions brought back the memories and emotions from when I went into labor with Robby. It is very important that the contractions stop. Baby B needs ALOT more time to grow and develop. So, Baby B and I could use your prayers right now. 

 We need prayers that the contractions stop, prayers that the p17 shots do their job, prayers that God leads my doctors in making the right decisions, and prayers that Tanner and I will be blessed with our take home baby.

Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

16 Weeks

Baby B 15 weeks 5 days

And Then There Was Robby Bear

Monday afternoon while I was lying in bed, Tanner came back with a package. I figured it was something that he had ordered for his truck, so I didn’t pay too much attention to it. Then when he opened the box my heart melted.

It was our Robby Bear.

 

After I posted my blog about Molly Bears, Bridget messaged me and told me that she had read my story and it touched her so much. Each month she and the other bear makers have the option to bump someone on the list up and make their bear early. Bridget wanted to bump up my bear and make it right away! Instead of a 14 month wait I was going to get my Robby Bear  within the month. So, I knew it would be coming sometime soon, but I didn’t expect it to come this quickly.

I can’t even describe what I felt when I got to hold my Robby Bear for the first time. For the first time since February 24, I was able to feel Robby’s exact weight in my arms.

When I hold my bear I can close my eyes and go back to the day that he was born and feel his weight again.

This was such a special gift and I can’t even describe how much comfort it has brought to me. On my Robby Bear’s tag it said:

“Our hope is that when you hold your Molly Bear for the first time you will find peace and comfort.” And that is exactly what I felt.

  Yesterday was my day with my four girls who are like little sisters to me; Brittany, Brooke, Courtney, and Abby. They were thrilled to see our Robby Bear! The girls had been just as excited to hold Robby as I was, but since he was born so early they were never able to hold their precious nephew. They were thrilled to get to hold Robby Bear and feel exactly what Robby weighed. Before they left my house yesterday, they each went and picked up Robby Bear again, gave him a hug and a kiss, and told him goodbye, which brought tears to my eyes. When I was pregnant with Robby they would all hug my bump and say goodbye to him before they left.

 

I want to thank Molly’s mommy, Bridget, for making our special Robby Bear. It is everything I imagined and more!






Click Here To Learn More About Molly Bears

Happily Nauseous

As I come to the end of my first trimester, instead of feeling relief that I am now “safe” from miscarriage, I am feeling terrified of entering the second trimester. I lost Robby when I was in my second trimester- a time when I was supposed to be “safe.” 

 Although I am scared, I am also very happy that we have made it through the first trimester as it is one step closer to having what I like to call our “take home baby.”  Being pregnant after having a loss you have to take one step at a time, one day at a time, and even though I am terrified of being in my second trimester, I try to be positive and look at it as being closer to having a live, healthy baby in my arms- a baby that we (hopefully) get to take home. 

We had our NT scan on Monday and for the past several weeks before the appointment I was scared. This is so completely different than it was when I was pregnant with Robby. With him I was just so excited to get to see him at each and every sonogram that I wasn’t as scared. I was terrified that when we got there, Baby B’s heart wouldn’t be beating. Well, much to my relief Baby B’s heart was beating beautifully! Baby B had a perfect heart rate of 170 and we all got teary eyed at the first sight of Baby B moving around on the big screen.

The doctor's office was running over an hour behind, which was annoying to me because that meant that I had to sit longer with the 32 oz. of water in my bladder which I had to drink for the test and then hold it for an hour and a half! However, as soon as we got to see Baby B the discomfort faded and I didn’t mind so much!

The tech had a horrible time getting measurements because Baby B just wasn’t going to move for her! Baby B wanted to do his/her own thing and as much as the tech poked and prodded on my belly (and my very full bladder) Baby B just wasn’t moving in the direction that the tech needed. We were able to enjoy watching Baby B move....just not the way they needed for the test.

As I was telling the girls this story Abby said:

“Well, Baby B is clearly a girl because she was being a diva!” 

Baby B 12 weeks 3 Days

I am still feeling really yucky all the time because I am on progesterone. My dad thinks it has nothing to do with the progesterone- he is telling people that it is because 2 females can't cohabitate in the same body and get along! Obviously, my dad believes that Baby B is a girl!

My weight has been dropping by a few pounds, so my doctor had to call in some nausea medicine for me. Smells really get to me; my mom can’t even make a baked potato in the house without me throwing up! Even as difficult as it is to eat, I love each and every sick moment of this pregnancy. I never thought I would thank God for feeling sick and throwing up! I just have a greater appreciation for the small things now. I am even grateful for the small, uncomfortable things (like the nausea) because they are a reminder that Baby B is still here and doing okay. 

Sine I have so many food aversions I am having a difficult time eating anything, but currently the food I am able to keep down is Spaghetti O’s! I am also really craving bacon!  I am also a big fan of movie theater popcorn with lots of butter and plain M&M's sprinkled in! Yum! I am working hard on keeping my calorie count up as well as taking in as many grams of protein a day as possible. I am thrilled that my "bump" has grown faster this time even with the weight loss. Tanner loves to fall asleep with his hand on my bump as it makes him feel close to our baby.

At this point in my pregnancy with Robby the only thing on my mind was finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I was thinking about the nursery theme and looking at clothes. I was in a happy La-La Land....a naive land where bad things don't happen. This time I can honestly say that I haven’t thought about if the baby will be a boy or a girl because it just truly doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters to us is that this baby is our “take home baby.” We are even considering not finding out the sex of Baby B until birth.

With Robby, we took a day trip to Oklahoma City when I was 16 weeks. It was a WONDERFUL day. We saw Robby, learned that he was a boy, and then went to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate. We were hoping to do the same thing this pregnancy but my doctor informed me this week that this was not going to happen. 

Since I don’t plan on buying anything, registering, having a baby shower, or setting up the nursery it just makes sense for us to consider not finding out the sex of Baby B until birth. It will be something different for us to do this time and I think it will be fun! I know there are some that won't understand that I don't want to do the "normal" things like set up the nursery or register for baby gifts, but I have to do it this way for me- for my mental health. Packing up all of Robby's things and putting them in storage was heart wrenching. We will make sure to have the necessities on hand for Baby B and all of the rest will fall into place.

The time is passing by slowly, but I am trying my best to relax, be calm and positive, and enjoy it. I would have given anything to get to stay pregnant with Robby longer, but instead I only had 23 beautiful weeks with him. This time I am not wishing my time away. I am savoring it- all of it.  

Please keep me and Baby B in your prayers as we enter the second trimester.

Baby bump 12 weeks 3 Days

Molly Bears

On February 24, 2012, my life was changed forever. After five days in active labor at the hospital and at only 23 weeks pregnant, I gave birth to our precious little boy, Robby. He lived in my arms for only two hours before going to heaven to be with Jesus. It has been four months and eleven days since that tragic day that we lost our baby boy, and ever since that moment that we had to give Robby back to the nurse at the hospital to send to the funeral home; my arms have ached for my baby.

When you lose a baby you not only have a broken, aching heart, but you also have aching, empty arms. The whole time I was pregnant with Robby my favorite thing to sit around and think about was getting to hold my precious baby boy. I thought about getting to hold him for the first time after he was born and how special it was going to be. I thought about getting to rock him to sleep in my new rocking chair and how I was going to hold him and love on him all the time.  What I didn’t imagine was that my time with Robby was going to be cut so incredibly short and that I would only be able to hold our sweet little boy in my arms for only a few hours.

  

Now I have this constant ache in my arms- it is an ache for my baby. 

A month after we lost Robby one of my good friends in one of my support groups told me about Molly Bears. 

Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that was started by Bridget, who lost her daughter. Her daughter, Molly, was stillborn. Bridget knows exactly what the ache feels like and because of that ache she started Molly Bears. 

Molly Bears are handmade, weighted teddy bears that are designed to weigh exactly what your baby weighed.  My bear will weigh 1 pound 4.4 ounces. What is so special about a weighted teddy bear? Well, I realize that it won’t do anything miraculous like bring Robby back or cure pre-term labor, but it does help mothers, like me, who are grieving the loss of their child. 

This organization runs solely on donations. When you sign up to receive a personalized bear they don’t charge you at all. 

Molly Bears is starting to run out of funds. They have sent out over 1,500 teddy bears since they started 23 months ago, but in order to keep making and sending out bears they need more donations.

What I love about Molly Bears is that you know exactly what your donations are going toward- they are going toward filling a mother’s empty arms and lessening the ache by at least a tiny bit. 

I haven’t received my Robby Bear yet, and it could be a whole year before I do. There are thousands of women like me who are waiting on their bear. I sent a donation and ordered my bear back in March and I can’t wait for the day that I am able to hold my Robby Bear and feel the exact weight once again that my sweet, precious baby boy was. I never imagined I would only get to hold him for a few hours, and each day I think about the time when I did get to hold him and I try to remember how it felt. 

Even though I will never get to hold my Robby again, I believe that the memory of holding him will be sweet as I cuddle my Robby Bear in my arms and remember my angel Robby.

Click This To Learn More About Molly Bears