Am I A Mother?

Important dates and holidays are hard. 

Each week on Friday I think about "bump day" which (when I was pregnant) was my weekly anniversary day-  the day each week when I added one more week to my weeks pregnant number and took a new baby bump picture to post on Robby’s blog. 

Each week on Friday I think about the day I lost Robby. 

Each month on the 24^th I think about the day I gave birth to my son. 

I dread June 22^nd which is the day Robby was supposed to make his appearance into this world.  

I am dreading my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and most of all I am dreading Mother’s Day, as the "first" of each holiday seems to be the hardest.

How am I supposed to celebrate Mother’s Day?  

Am I considered a mother? 

These are questions that I am wrestling with as Mother's Day approaches.

I was recently looking at cards at Target, and I looked around at the Mother’s Day cards. They have Mother's Day cards for mothers, grandmothers, godmothers, aunts, daughters, new moms, mothers-to be, mothers- in law, sisters-in law, friends, and neighbors. They have five cards to mom from the dog, and two cards to mom from the cat but they do not have even one single Mother's Day card for the mothers who have lost their baby.  So, I went to Hallmark and again I found tons of cards (seven of which were from the dog and three from the cat) but I only found one card, just one single card for a mother who has lost a child. 

Is that because people in my category are not really considered to be a mother? Was that title stripped from me when my dear son was placed in the ground?

Why is it that we can have seven cards from the dog, but only one card for someone who has lost a child? One in four women loses a child from conception to age one. That is a lot of women who are being overlooked on Mother’s Day. Why are we being over looked?  I believe that it is because people for the most part do not consider people like me a mom.  

Honestly, this is the first time I have ever noticed that there is only one Mother’s Day card in Hallmark for a mother who has lost her baby. I think that most of us live in happy la-la land until something horrible happens to either us, or someone close to us. More people need to be aware that there are so many women who have lost a child. There are couples that grieve every day for the loss of their baby, toddler, or child. There are women , like me, that feel deep in their hearts that they are a mother even though they no longer have the living baby or child to prove it. People tend to keep quiet about tragedies like the loss of a child because talking about it makes people uncomfortable.

I was part of an online group that made a branch on facebook and the group was called June Bugs. We all had something in common-each one of us was to have a baby to be born in June 2012. We talked about everything under the sun that had to do with pregnancy and babies- we truly became online friends. This group of women were absolutely amazing to me after the loss of Robby. They all chipped in and had two coolers full of food shipped to us from Omaha Steaks. What a blessing my online friends were!

 I was pretty active in this group until Robby was born. At this point I didn't really feel like I had anything to add, but I continued to lurk so that I would know how each of their pregnancies were going and that everyone was okay. A couple weeks after Robby was born another woman in the group had her baby, and although her baby was also very premature, thankfully he lived. The comments on the facebook group then went something like this, 

“Congrats to our first June mommy!” 

That was the moment when I realized that I am not considered a mom by some. Since my baby died, some of the women in that group did not consider me to be a mommy. I am aware that this is not how everyone in the group felt, and that sometimes words come out wrong. However, I was crushed when I read that because I believed that I was the first June mom. Me. I had my baby first! I went into labor, I delivered Robby, and Tanner and I held him in our arms until he died.  Didn't that make me the first June mommy? I know that these women did not mean it in a mean or hurtful way, but it still did sting.

I then went to our June Bugs blog where I realized that there were actually about three women who had babies before I did. However, they were not considered mothers either.  So now there were 4 of us. Four June Bugs without babies to hold. Four June Bugs without the title of Mommy . Four June Bugs who each had a baby yet was somehow overlooked as a mommy. 

Maybe people think that since my baby is not with me, how can I be a mother? I am not up in the night with my baby, or changing his diaper. I am not teaching him to read or helping him learn important life lessons. I am not rocking him and singing to him when he is sick.  So, why should I expect to be recognized on Mother's Day? 

All of the mothering that I will ever get to give Robby was compacted into a 23 week period. All of the holding, hugging and kissing that I will ever get to give Robby was condensed into the 2 hours that he was alive. I do not get to mother my son anymore, so how can I be considered a mother?  

After a lot of thought I realized that yes, I am a mother. I cared for Robby for the 23 weeks he was with us, and I held him for the two hours that I was able. I loved him, cared for him, and did what was best for him, and isn’t that what a mother does? I did everything I could to help him survive, and even though he is not here with me, I know that he is looking down on us. I know that he has given me a Mother's Day gift- it is one of love. Because of Robby I learned to love in a way I didn't know was possible. I have the love of a mother. Robby gave me another important gift- he gave me the gift of health. Thanks to Robby I am still pain free and in remission from the Fibromyalgia.  

I know that I did everything that I could for my baby because I am his mother. Robby is my son, and I am his mom. Therefore I will celebrate Mother's Day knowing in my heart that I am a mom. I am a mom to an angel. I might not be a mom to a baby in my arms, but I still am a mother. I might not be celebrating in the way that most women do, or the way that I expected to, but I will celebrate the fact that Robby was here and he is and will always be my son. I will spend Mother’s Day focusing on all the joy that our sweet Robby brought to us.  

He might not be here with my physically, but I know that he is with me. Robby won’t ever make me a Mother’s Day card, plan a special meal for me, or get me a special bouquet of Mother's Day flowers, but I know in my heart that if my baby boy were here that he (with the help of his daddy) would make me an absolutely perfect and special homemade card and give me a sweet little boy hug.

I might not ever get those things from my sweet little boy, but that is not what makes a mother. To me, what makes a mother is the love in my heart that I have now and will always have for my sweet baby boy.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, 
And prayed to God today. 
I asked what makes a Mother, 
And I know I heard him say: 

A mother has a baby, 
This we know is true. 
But, God, can you be a mother, 
When your baby's not with you? 

Yes, you can he replied, 
With confidence in his voice. 
I give many women babies, 
When they leave is not their choice. 
Some I send for a lifetime, 
And others for a day. 
And some I send to feel your womb, 
But there’s no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, 
I want my baby here. 
He took a breath and cleared his throat, 
And then I saw a tear. 

I wish that I could show you, 
What your child is doing today, 
If you could see your child smile, 
With other children who say: 
We go to earth and learn our lessons, 
Of love and life and fear. 
My mommy loved me oh so much; 
I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a mom, 
Who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons very quickly, 
My mommy set me free. 

I miss my mommy oh so much, 
But I visit her each day. 
When she goes to sleep, 
On her pillow's where I lay. 
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, 
And whisper in her ear. 
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." 

So you see my dear sweet one, 
Your children are Ok. 
Your babies are here in My home, 
They'll be at heaven’s gate for you. 

So now you see what makes a mother. 
It's the feeling in your heart. 
It's the love you had so much of, 
Right from the very start. 

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, 
until their time is done. 
They'll be up here with Me one day, 
And you'll know that you're the best one! 
~Author Unknown