Control Freak

And so it begins. 

What begins-you might ask? The madness known as trying to get pregnant, except this time is so much different than last time. It is worse this time around because now I am not just trying to get pregnant, I am trying to get pregnant after a loss.

Whenever I do anything I put absolutely everything into it and trying to get pregnant isn’t any different for me. 

Before we got pregnant with Robby I decided to do some research and join an online forum. I read the trying to get pregnant handbook, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and researched all the small things I could do to increase our chances, and then slowly worked them in.  Well, this time instead of easing into the trying to conceive mania I cannon balled right into the madness pool full speed ahead.

After we were given the "go ahead" from Dr. O’Hara, I started eating healthier, drinking 100 ounces of water a day, eight ounces of Pom (pomegranate) juice a day leading up to ovulation, two cups of green tea a day leading up to ovulation, ovulation predictor tests every day, and taking my basil body temperature each morning at the exact same time and then charting it on fertilityfriend.com. I also went ahead and cut out artificial sweetener and caffeine.  Tanner went off of Mountain Dew and stopped taking trips to the Humidor to smoke cigars with my brother and his buddies. He is also supposed to be taking a multivitamin, but he insists that he needs Flintstones vitamins instead of the ones I already purchased for him.  

Currently I am counting down the days before I am able to take a pregnancy test to see if we were successful. I have researched how early I can test and even which pregnancy test will detect the smallest amount of HCG.The waiting is agonizing. 

Since I am charting with FertilityFriend.com I have a chart that shows what is going on with my body. It is amazing the things you can tell from your basil body temperature. Now that I have ovulated I am driving myself crazy looking at my chart.  It is like I expect it to all of a sudden say:"Congratulations! You are pregnant!"  However I know that it will not until I actually input the positive pregnancy test which may or may not turn out to be this month.

I also look for the “pregnancy signs” such as moodiness, tiredness, bloat, and cramping. The funny thing is that each and every one of these pregnancy signs is also a sign of an approaching menstrual cycle. Okay not so funny, but it sure is enough to drive a girl insane.

“Oh, I want a candy bar- I am craving a candy bar. I am sooo pregnant!”

“Oh man I am bloated today, I am totally pregnant!”

“Wow I sure am moody today, I MUST be pregnant!”

Yep, those are the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. And those closest to me are also thinking and saying similar things. Since I made it clear to everyone that I am not to hear the question “Are you pregnant yet” I have gotten some pretty creative questions such as…

“So have you stopped drinking caffeine yet?” ~ Emily

“Amanda, is that a maternity shirt you are wearing today?”~ Brittany

“Amanda, are you craving popcorn?” (There was a huge container of cheese popcorn on my desk that Tanner brought home)~ Brittany

“I am not asking it, but just so you know- I am thinking it!” ~ Sally

Mom- “Amanda, you should go in there and get a piece of that cake.”

Sally- “Is there a reason you are making her eat? Is she...you know?"

Other than the fact that I want to get pregnant, I am putting so much effort, thought, and obsession into trying to get pregnant because as long as I am focused on trying to get pregnant, I am not focusing on how difficult it is going to be on me to actually be pregnant again. 

When I really sit around and think about it I am actually really scared to be pregnant again. 

I am scared that Tanner and I will lose another baby. 

I am scared that my body will betray me again.

Pregnancy is going to be incredibly difficult for me. I joke with Tanner that we will be at the emergency room all of the time. Anytime I feel the slightest twinge I am going to want to know that everything is okay.   Even though I am scared to get pregnant again, I know that this is what Tanner and I want. This is what Tanner and I need. We need to try again, because if we don’t try, how are we ever going to get what we want?  A baby to bring home. 

I like to feel like I am in control. While I am doing everything under the sun possible to increase our chances of conceiving sooner rather than later I feel as if I do have the slightest bit of control. Now, I realize that I don’t, God is in control. However, once I am pregnant, then there will be nothing left that I can do. I will no longer have this "pretend control". Even if I lie in the bed and do not move at all for my entire pregnancy there is still a chance that my body will go into pre-term labor again. The day I went into labor, I had not had but just the slightest activity which was typical during my pregnancy. Shower, school work, slight housekeeping....nothing to break a sweat. I was not that active. My body went into labor for no reason what-so-ever, so there will not be anything to keep that from happening again, and there is not a single thing I can do, other than pray. 

I am going to have to give up my need for control and turn it over to God, and that will be difficult for me. 

So, now I wait and pray.

I pray that not only that I get pregnant, and that not only I have a healthy baby, (because Robby was healthy) but I will also pray that I am able to have a full term baby.

I will pray for the strength to give complete control over to God during this time, and that God will give us a healthy baby that we get to take home.

 Phil 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

       

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.