Define Me

I am part of an online support group and recently someone posted about her husband's grandmother. The grandmother lost her baby back in 1949. People would describe his grandmother as a “bitter woman.”  After now losing her baby, this acquaintance in my support group realized that her husband’s grandmother is so bitter because she has been blaming herself for her baby’s death since it happened. Well, this post got me thinking, who will I be in 60 years and how will people describe me?

Years from now....will people describe me as the bitter woman who lost her first baby when she was 19? 

I think it is possible because it is so easy to be bitter. Sadness feeds into bitterness and I feel sad all of the time. It is actually work to pull myself together and go out- anywhere. I have to make myself go to the store or out to eat with my husband. It takes effort to meet up with friends. Most of all it is hard to be away from my safe zone- home. At home I can control my surroundings, but as soon as I leave home I have lost that control.

When we go out to eat I will see a couple with a baby- always. It seems like babies are everywhere right now.  Although I know that what I should be feeling (for them) is joy.... what I really feel is sadness for us. Whenever I see a little boy, I see Robby. It doesn’t matter how old the little boy is, it makes me sad because I miss him. I sit there and look at that little boy and wonder what Robby would have looked like when he was 6 months old, 3 years old and even 6 years old.  I can imagine what he would have looked like at those ages, but I won’t ever know.

When I hear a new mom complaining about how horrible late night feedings are and how hard it is to get up several times in the night with their baby (and this has happened several times lately)I feel upset because they don't realize how lucky they are to have a baby to feed throughout the night. I would give anything to be up all night with Robby instead of being up all night crying because my baby isn’t here.

When I notice a pregnant woman with a really big belly and super swollen ankles I feel sad because right now I should look like that. Tomorrow I would have been 32 weeks pregnant, but instead of being pregnant I am trying to get pregnant again. 

Tanner and I are trying to get out and do things with people our age again, but sometimes it does more harm than good. A few nights ago we went out to a friend’s house for a bonfire. We got out there and we were actually having a good time. Tanner and I had recently purchased a new truck. One of our friends at the bonfire came right out and asked him why he needed a new truck. Tanner said that he really wanted a truck with four doors. Our friend replied with “Well, the only reason you would need four doors is if you had kids and you don't.” 

That was quite a blow.

It took everything in me to not look at him and say well thanks for reminding us that we DON’T have a child!

I know sometimes people say things and they don't mean them the way they come out. We all do it. However, it is things like this that make it hard to force ourselves out of the house and back into a social setting. It is comments like the one at the bonfire that make it hard not to be bitter- especially since the guy looked like he meant it and didn't give the "oops I shouldn't have said that" look.

Being out in public is just not a safe place for me to be. There are so many variables that are completely out of my control. Variables that I then keep thinking about and dwelling on which then makes me even sadder and that is what could eventually lead to me being a bitter old woman. 

Always sad and bitter is not how I want people to describe me. 

Those aren’t the words that I want to define me.  Losing Robby is now a part of me, but I do not by any means want it to define all aspects of me. Robby is now a part of my story and a part of who I am just like in October of 2010 my health problems became a part of my story, my definition, a part of who I am.  I became a different person when the Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia hit. I had to learn to accept the pain and the limitations. I had to learn that my health problems were now a part of me and who I am without letting them become my definition. I have once again become a different person since losing Robby.  Foremost, I’m not as happy as I used to be. I used to be a very happy and outgoing person, but now I find it hard to be happy and I even find myself feeling guilty during the few moments that I do feel happy.

I recently looked through our wedding pictures and I sat there and thought “will we ever be that happy again?” We were so happy. I was in a lot of pain that day but I still managed to be very happy! I had finally accepted my life with these health problems and together Tanner and I were working on our plan of how we would deal with the issues long term. 

That was only one year ago and yet it seems like so very long ago. Yes, we were dealing with my health problems which was physical pain, but losing Robby is emotional pain.  Why is it that I can be so tough when it comes to physical pain and yet so weak when it comes to emotional pain? I just don’t know if I can truly be that happy again now that Robby is gone. How am I supposed to be happy when my baby is gone?  Is happiness a choice? Can I choose to be happy in spite of the fact that my baby is gone?

I think so. I think at some point I will be ready to make the choice to be happy again. I don't believe that means I will no longer miss Robby but I do believe that at some point I will come to terms with our loss of Robby.  I think at that time I will be able to keep Robby in that special place in my heart, remember him, love him, and be happy once again. I don’t know when that will happen, and I don’t think that it will happen all at once, but hopefully I can get to that point someday.

It doesn't feel like it now but I know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dwelling in Robby’s death. I don't want to miss out on the rest of life. I don't want our friends to dread seeing me and being with me. I don't want the day to come when people look for reasons not to spend time with me. I miss Robby every minute of every day, but being bitter about his death and dwelling on it won’t bring him back and I know that Robby wouldn’t want me to be sad for the rest of my life wondering what should have been.

So, hopefully in 60 years people will describe me like I describe my great-grandmother, Delphine Smith, who many years ago suffered the late loss of a baby girl. My great-grandmother lost a baby back around the time that my support group friend's grandmother lost her child. My great-grandmother had 2 healthy boys and then the little girl she dreamt about was stillborn. She then went on to have one more healthy child- another son.

I remember hearing my great-grandmother talk about her baby girl, but when she spoke of her she was anything but bitter. My great-grandmother always had a smile on her face and love in her heart. My great-grandmother and I were very close, and we even shared a birthday. I have missed her so very much in years since her death but especially now. I wish she was here to help me through this sad time in my life. I would love to ask her how she was able to go on with life, be happy, and keep from being bitter about losing her precious baby, Marilyn. Even though she isn’t here I can imagine what she would say. First, I know that she would give me a great big hug and cry with me. Great Grandma gave the best hugs ever. Then she would tell me that Robby is in a better place now- with Jesus. She would tell me that I need to have faith and trust in God. Then, she would give me a hand written list of Bible verses to remind me that what she was saying is true. I wish Great-Grandma was here to say those things to me, but I will try to take joy in the fact that she is now in heaven with her little girl Marilyn and my little boy Robby.

How will people describe me next week, next month, or 60 years from now? I don't know. I hope to keep moving forward- one step at a time and I hope that someday the word happiness will return in the definition of me.

I know I don't say this enough- thank you again to all of my family and friends who are without fail always here at my side with hugs, prayers, messages, continued cards, and words of comfort. A special thank you to Sally for making a beautiful "Robby Garden" in her yard that I can look out my window and see. Tanner and I are very blessed to have so many of you on our side and in our corner helping us through this difficult time. Please know that your kindness means the world to us.