Pieces from The Mighty

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Remembering The Joy

This past Friday night I decided to watch the 19 Kids and Counting episode where the Duggar family shares about losing their daughter, Jubilee. I remember hearing about what happened when I was pregnant and thinking how horrible it must have been for them to lose their baby and how I couldn’t even imagine what they were going through. I remember worrying about Michelle Duggar and praying for her to have strength when I found out she would have to deliver her already dead baby.  I remember watching the preview for their new season while I was pregnant thinking about how sad that episode would be- how sad I would be for them. Instead I was not only crying for the Duggar family and Jubilee, but I was crying for me and Robby too. How quickly things change. 

They waited until Michelle Duggar had made it to twelve weeks before they announced their pregnancy, they waited that long because they thought they were safe. I thought I was safe too. During the second trimester there is a 3% chance of losing your baby.  Once you hit the third trimester the chances that you will lose your baby goes down to 1%. Michelle Duggar and I should have been safe. I think that is one of the scary things now- knowing that I am not safe at any point during my next pregnancy. My illusion of safety is gone. 

When Michelle heard that her baby’s heart had stopped beating one of the first things that they showed her saying was a quote from the Bible: 

Job 1:21 Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

I can tell that their faith is what is really getting them through their loss, and my faith has been helping me as well.  There is, however, a difference between what I believe, and what the Duggar family believes. I don’t believe that God took Robby from me. I believe our God is a loving God and I just can’t believe that he would deliberately take Robby away from us. I know that God could have intervened with a miracle, but he did not, and even though I don’t understand why, I know that someday I will. I believe that God wanted us to live in a perfect world, but man sinned. Because of that sin we live in an imperfect world, and in this world of imperfection and sin, things such as this happen, and it is just part of life. I so glad that their faith is helping them through this hard time. I know that for my family our faith is what is helping us get through as well.

I was an active member on an online community while I was pregnant, and one of the controversies I remember reading about was that the Duggar family had released a couple of pictures of Jubilee and some people thought that it was not right. At the time I did not look at them, but I saw them on the episode the other night.  I thought that the pictures they released were beautiful. She had the most perfect little hands, and the most perfect little feet.  On Robby's last blog (Our Little Poppy Seed) I posted a picture of Robby. I struggled with the decision, but in the end I chose to post it because I wanted people to see that he was here. He was born. He was a real baby. I gave birth to a beautiful and perfect little baby boy.  Some people might not like that the Duggar’s released a picture of their little girls perfect hands and feet, and some people might not like that I posted a picture of Robby on my blog, but until you have walked in my shoes or the Duggar’s shoes, you have no right to judge. The few pictures we have of Robby are the only physical things we have left of him.

I am so glad that Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar decided to air this episode and hopefully open some eyes to the tragedy that it is to lose a child. They talked about how thankful they were for the short time that they had with their daughter, and how much joy she brought them. This was a good reminder for me. Sometimes I get so lost in my grief that I forget to be thankful for the time we were given with Robby because I am so focused on how sad I am that we lost Robby. It does bring me sadness to think about when I was pregnant, but in a way it also brings me joy.  

We were so excited from the first day I found out I was pregnant. I don’t think our hearts could have been more filled with joy. 

Joy. That is what I need to spend more time focusing on. 

Every sonogram appointment was such a big deal for us. We got so excited to see or as we referred to the sonograms "visit" our little Robby. At our N/T scan it was me, my mom, Tanner, Brittany, Brooke, Courtney, and Abby. Yes, that makes a grand total of seven of us there for a sonogram appointment. You should have SEEN the look on the technicians face when we all waltzed in there.

That memory brings me joy.

Every single day Brittany would grab my belly, hug it, and say “bye Robby” before she left.

That memory brings me joy.

The day that mom, Tanner, and I went to Oklahoma City to find out if we were having a boy or a girl we were so excited. Seeing Tanner’s face light up when he found out that we were having a boy.

That memory brings me joy.

The four girls would give my belly hugs, make Robby pictures, and sing him songs. 

Those memories bring me joy.

I got to feel Robby kick for the first time during the Superbowl. I had been waiting for weeks, and I was so excited to finally be able to feel him move.

That memory brings me joy.

It took a couple weeks after I felt Robby move for Tanner, my mom, and my dad to be able to feel Robby move, but when they did their faces were priceless!

Those memories bring me joy.

At the point in my pregnancy when not only could I finally feel Robby move but others could also feel him move- my mom and I would play “Poke the Belly” so that we could feel him move around even more.

That memory brings me joy.

That last fateful week in the hospital every four hours we got to listen to Robby’s heartbeat. None of my family: Tanner, Mom, Dad, or Justin would dare to run to the bathroom or get a drink if it was nearing the time to listen to Robby’s heartbeat because hearing his little heartbeat brought us all so very much joy.

That was tearful joy. 

Watching my husband so very carefully cut Robby's cord.

This memory brings me joy.

The nearly 2 hours that Robby was alive after I delivered him and we were able to hold him and look at his perfect body.

That was tearful and thankful joy.

Our little Robby was so important to us and did bring us so much joy for the whole 23 weeks that he was with us. Right up to the moment he was born, the 2 hours he was alive and we were holding him, and even now, our sweet little Robby brings us so much joy. 

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