“Why Me” Meltdown

Before we left for our cruise I could feel it coming. I could feel the anger and sadness building up inside of me, but I just couldn’t let it out. I am an emotional person, and I always have been, but I do not like anyone else to see me break down because it makes me feel weak.

The whole week before we left I just kept it bottled up inside, yes I had cried multiple times every day, but nothing like what was to come. On Friday, March 16th, my mom and I got pedicures, and at the nail salon I saw a very pregnant woman. Pregnant people make me cry.

Then, we decided to go get our bangs trimmed. My mom went first, and the woman right next to us was going on and on about her daughter who just had a baby. She was going through the whole labor story as I just stood there watching my mom get a bang trim. She wasn't talking to us but we could hear every single word. The words were like knives. I felt sad and angry all at the same time. As she was describing her daughter's “really hard labor” and referencing her "poor daughter" this and her "poor daughter" that I wanted to tell her how lucky her daughter is and that her daughter should be thankful that her “really hard labor” gave her a healthy baby that she was able to take home. Instead I stood there while the sadness and anger continued to build up inside of me. 

Finally it was my turn and I felt a little bit of relief because I could see the end of the appointment. As I sat down to have the woman cut my hair she asked me the question I had been dreading, the question that I had not EVER been asked before….”Do you have any children?.” I was stunned at first, but then answered that yes I have a son, but he is in heaven now. So I left the appointment- in tears and with funny bangs because she cut them crooked. 

Three weeks. My little boy had been gone for three weeks on this day. Many people were commenting on how great I was doing and how strong I am. I am not a master of emotional disguise, but I am able to put on a pretty strong front. However we all knew that my meltdown was coming and those closest to me could see it building.  My mom and I thought it would happen on the cruise. We were dreading the fact that I could explode on Nanny and my mom had even considered warning Nanny that if it happened not to take offense. Well luckily for Nanny, it did not happen on the cruise. It happened on the night before the cruise.

 In the words of my dad: "Tanner took one for the team."

The night before we left I was stressed out about being away from Tanner for 9 days, angry about so much that I'm not even sure I know what all of the anger is about, and sad that Robby is not with me. Tanner was out with Blake while I was helping the girls with their homework. He didn't show up at home at the very moment that the girls left which means he was a few minutes longer than he thought he would be. Of all of the things going on- THIS is what triggered my meltdown.

Normally it really wouldn't have been a big deal at all. Normally I wouldn't have even said anything because traffic or anything can cause someone to be a few minutes late. He wasn't even "late" for anything specific- just coming home! However, it was the icing on the "melt down" cake for me. I blew up, and when I say blew up I truly mean it. I yelled for awhile and then I just bawled. I knew while it was happening that I was being hysterical and not making any sense at all but I couldn't make myself stop.

I cried because Robby isn’t here. I know he is with us, but he isn’t HERE with us. I cried because my arms are empty. I cried because I couldn’t do anything to save him. I cried because I miss him more than words can describe. I cried for hours before I was done, and after I was done crying I felt a little better. I am so lucky to have Tanner because he did so well with my meltdown. He just sat there and held me and cried with me. I couldn’t ask for a more understanding husband. My anger was gone and the sadness was back, and I just felt completely empty. I am trying to keep the anger away now because I know that anger is not good for me.

Yesterday Tanner asked me what time our appointment is on Monday with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. Well, that was all it took to trigger another meltdown. This one wasn’t major, but it still triggered a smaller scale meltdown. This time there wasn't any yelling- just lots of uncontrollable sobbing. I just bawled because I shouldn’t have to go to this appointment. I shouldn't have to wonder if I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. I should still be pregnant with Robby right now. All I could do was cry and ask "why me?"

I know that it is pointless to ask myself why this happened to us, but I still find myself asking this question a lot.

When I am reading a textbook for school I stop and think…”why us?”

When I am trying to listen to a recorded lecture I think…”why us?”

When I am trying to sleep at night I think…”why us.”

I know that no matter how many times I ask myself or God this question I am not going to get any answers. I do not know why this happened. Only God knows why this happened.

For now I just need to try to minimize the meltdowns. It is so hard because every day I wake up missing Robby and every night I go to sleep missing Robby.