Monday was my appointment with my new Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor, Margaret O’Hara. I went in nervous, sad, and with little to no hope what-so-ever that I would be able to have a healthy baby. .
We got to her office and I was so relieved that the waiting room was empty. I had been trying to prepare myself for the fact that it is somewhere that pregnant women frequently go so I am bound to see them! Well, about five minutes into waiting- in walks a very pregnant woman and her two-ish year old son. Seeing her big belly made me think about how pregnant I *should* be right now, but I am not. She then started to talk to her little boy saying things like “where is baby” and “baby is in mommy’s tummy.” We used to play a game like this with my dog, Barbie. We would say “Barbie, where is Robby?” And she would turn her head away from us and look the other way as if she was saying nope I have no idea that there is a little baby inside of you!
Luckily, the pregnant lady got called back after a few minutes, but seeing her made me so incredibly sad. I cried. She kept her hand on her stomach, so lovingly, the whole time. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I found myself reaching for my stomach all the time. It was almost like I just wanted to make sure he was still there. Tanner would fall asleep with his hand on my stomach- every night, like he was letting Robby know that his daddy was there. I still reach down to my stomach from time to time just to realize once again that he really isn’t there, and he isn’t in my arms. He is gone- for good. Then, when that happens it is like I relive the hurt all over again. I sit and think about how he should still be there. He should still be safe. Thankfully, during our time in the waiting room there was only one other pregnant woman that walked in, but shortly after that I was called back to the appointment room.
I had to go through my story three different times for three different people while I was there, and that was emotionally difficult for me. I am used to typing out my story, but trying to convey everything that happened out loud and in person is so much more difficult. I could hardly get through a sentence without having to stop and regain my composure. When I am typing out my story, I can and do cry freely, but I am not being watched. Having to relive my experience with people I don’t know in the room is different and difficult. Each person asked me if I smoked, drank alcohol, did any recreational drugs or street drugs, and by the third time I finally lost it and said “No! And I didn’t drink any caffeine, nor did I use artificial sweetener, and I limited my lunch meat and hot dogs because of the nitrates. “I knew that it was a routine question, but it was really annoying me! Well, my small outburst stopped the questions about drugs and alcohol!
My MFM was wonderful. She was kind and compassionate which is just what I need. When I started to cry- she started to cry. What I really liked was that she truly understood our need to start trying again soon to have another baby. Before we can begin trying to conceive again she wants me to have a few tests. She wrote a prescription for a thyroid test and that was pretty easy. Luckily, Michelle (the four girls’ mom) works at my doctor's office, so we were able to give her a quick call and she worked us right into the lab schedule. The second test I will have, a MSG test, will be done at the hospital. A MSG test is where they insert a catheter into my uterus, shoot some saline into it, and take x-rays to check for uterine abnormalities. They are pretty sure that my uterus is fine, but this is to rule it out just in case. The procedure will be uncomfortable, but worth it. Since it will be done at a hospital, if there is something wrong they will take me right on back to surgery to fix it.
My doctor said she is hopeful that my next pregnancy will go smoothly. I am pretty sure her exact words were “Your chances don’t suck.” She doesn’t believe I will make it to term, but she honestly and truly believes that we can make it far enough for a baby to survive and be healthy. She said that I am the perfect weight and I am the perfect age for having a baby, that I was doing everything right, and that this should NOT have happened.
Here is the plan she recommends:
Find a High Risk OB
Progesterone shots once a week starting at 16 weeks
Limited activity
Spend as little time as possible on my feet
Pray
Pray
Pray
I had heard different things from different people about when you can start trying to have a baby- all ranging from 3 months-18 months. Tanner and I don’t want to wait 18 months. Here is the really good news we got from our appointment.....Dr. O'Hara said that there aren’t any studies out there that say “If you had a loss at 23 weeks, you need to wait "x" amount of months before trying to have another baby.” That means that as soon as my tests come back normal we are cleared to start trying to get pregnant again. Tanner and I are so relieved that we don’t have to wait 6 months, 8 months, or up to 18 months to start trying to have a baby. We are excited, but nervous to start this journey again. We love our Robby so very much, but we know that he is with us and watching over us. So, hopefully our trying to conceive journey will begin soon and not take very long to get pregnant again.
Dear family and friends- we greatly appreciate all of your love, encouragement, and support. I don't want to offend anyone when I say this so I am saying it with as much love as possible: I would appreciate it if when you see me if you don’t ask me if I am pregnant yet. I am being very open in this blog about everything that is going on which means that I am allowing everyone in Blogland to be in our business. We hope it won't take long to get pregnant, but it could take a few months, and we will announce when we are ready. If you are really close to us then you will most likely figure it out very quickly because as my mom and Tanner "joked" with the doctor...."Oh Amanda will definitely have very limited activity- once she is pregnant we will be carrying her around on a pillow!"
So, chances are everyone will know when I am pregnant, because as soon as the test stick dries I will be on one of these-
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