"Whoville"

I love to read. When I was little my parents read to me a lot, and when I was able to read on my own I was always reading. I still love to read. I read all kinds of books: fiction, non-fiction, mysteries, romance, historical books, young adult books, and my favorite- children’s books. I have been purchasing children's books to add to my collection for years.  When I find a cute book I pick it up so that I can put it with my books at home that I will someday be able to read to my children. I want our children to have a love for reading like I do.

When I was pregnant I decided that in the nursery I needed a whole wall of bookshelves to hold all of the books that we have. So, of course my dad and Tanner designed an entire wall of bookshelves and cubes for the nursery. When we figured out that we were having a boy and decided on Dr. Seuss as a theme, my dad started calling the massive wall of bookshelves “Whoville” because they were going in Robby’s Dr. Seuss nursery. So, my dad and Tanner would spend hours at a time building "Whoville" at the shop.  

A couple weeks before I gave birth to Robby, "Whoville" came home in pieces. It still wasn’t finished, but it was home and I was thrilled! At this point it just needed to be assembled. I could not wait to get all of my books on the bookshelves. I was so excited just thinking about all the books Robby and I would read together.  I had actually already started to read to him. At 16 weeks when he was able to start to hear us I was reading to him. I would sit in my rocking chair in the nursery and read book after book out loud to our little boy. One of the first books I read to him was Guess How Much I Love You. I would also read my school textbooks to him, but I think he liked the children’s books better than the philosophy, ethics, meteorology and history! 

Well, this past weekend I decided that my project needed to be to get all of our books out of storage and put on the bookshelves. My dad had finished assembling the wall and it was beautiful...but empty. As hard as it was going to be I knew that I needed some closure and some peace in that room.  Tanner went to Dodge City for the weekend for work, but before he left we finished packing up Robby’s things. We went through and packed up his bedding, his toys, and his clothes. Packing his clothes away reminded me of how many cute clothes he had.

As Tanner and I went through the outfits we came across the first outfit I had purchased for Robby once we found out he was a boy. I bought a red polo onesie and a pair of little blue jeans to match an outfit that Tanner has- a red polo and a pair of jeans. Robby was going to look so cute in his little outfit to match his daddy and in all the clothes we had for him. I also came across the last outfit I bought for Robby, a Dr. Seuss onesie from Target.  Since Robby's death I try to stay away from Target. All of the baby things I wanted for Robby were at Target. I loved looking at their baby department because they had so many cute things! Going to Target now is hard for me- it just makes me sad.

While putting the books on the bookshelves I thought about several different things, but the main theme going through my head was thinking about what should have been.  All of these books were a reminder of the many plans I had for Robby and me.  We were going to sit in the rocking chair and I was going to read to him. Of course I imagined that Robby would be a lot like his daddy- chances are, there would have been times that he would be off of my lap and climbing on the bookshelves while I tried to read to him! I was going to read him so many different books. I was going to teach him how to read and hopefully give him a love for books and learning. But instead of putting these books up knowing that Robby will be reading with me, I had to put them up knowing that Robby won’t ever be sitting on my lap listening to me read him a book.

One of my favorites: Winnie the Pooh. We were going to explore the Hundred Acre Woods with Pooh, Piglet, and Christopher Robin. 

We were going to hop into the Magic School Bus with Ms. Frizzle and learn about everything from electricity to outer space.  

Robby and I were going to visit Whoville at Christmas time to meet the Grinch and Cindy Lou Who.  They were going to help us teach Robby about kindness and caring.

We were going to take a trip to the Jungle of Nool to learn from Horton that “A person’s a person no matter how small.”

We were going to read about tweetle beetles that battle with paddles, and wockets in pockets, and the Lorax speaking for the Truffula trees. 

Robby was probably even going to have to hear about my favorite little French girl Madeline and how brave she was.

 There were so many things that we were going to read and learn about. Sometimes it is hard for me to truly accept that Robby is gone and that he won’t be here to read any of those books with me. 

 The wall of bookshelves that are lovingly called "Whoville" are up and finished and full of books.  There aren't words to describe how beautiful it is. Thank you Daddy and Tanner for building them not only for Robby, but for me.

Now that the shelves are up, I hope that I can start to deal with the emotions that go along with Robby’s nursery. While I was on the cruise Tanner and Blake took Robby’s crib, changing table and the rocking chair up to Justin’s house where they will be stored until we need them again. Since Robby’s birth and death I haven’t been able to spend any time in his room.  We keep the door closed. Because we have so many books, in order to get the books on the shelves how I wanted them to be I had to spend hours in that room over the weekend. I had to sort through stacks and stacks of books and bring some sort of order to them. I was forced to face my fear of being in his room knowing that he would not ever be there to sleep, play, or grow up.

The bookshelves are filled now and we are keeping the door open. It still makes me sad to walk by the room because I think about what should have been, but it is a step- for me a big step.

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.  ~Winnie the Pooh