Strength In Numbers

For the past two weeks I have been in a stand still. I have been spending my time in bed watching season after season of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. I started on season one and I have made it to season five. Some days I don’t even get out of bed to shower.

On May 12^th I got a positive pregnancy test. The day before Mother's Day- it was a gift. I felt happy, scared, nervous, and hopeful all at the same time. When I got my positive test with Robby I just felt joy, but this time is different because I knew to be worried, I knew that I was not safe. 

On May 24, the three month mark from when we lost Robby, I started to have some sharp cramps on my right side. I called my doctor’s office and the nurse told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound just to make sure everything looked okay. When I went in for my ultrasound I should have been six weeks.  Instead of seeing a beautiful six week baby, we saw an empty sac that measured four weeks. I was crushed. Since I was positive of the first day of my last period and I had charted my ovulation I knew I could not be two weeks off on my dates. Because of how early it was I knew that a week off was normal....the baby is still so small at this point....but two weeks? No way.  My doctor told me that I needed to go home, relax, and wait two weeks before coming in again for another ultrasound. 

Two weeks? Why so long? And relax- no way!

I had two weeks of waiting and wondering if I am still pregnant or not. I had already started to wear some maternity shirts because I am already looking really pregnant, but during these two weeks I refused to wear anything that was maternity. I wouldn’t even wear the belly band that I love so much.

I had two weeks of Googling everything under the sun trying to figure out what could be going on. I spent so much time trying to figure out why I could be two weeks off. I read story after story of different women who had this happen, but for every good story, I read one that did not turn out so well.

I had pretty much decided that what could be going on is a blighted ovum. That is when the sac grows, but the baby does not grow inside of it. During these two weeks I was still nauseous, hungry, tired, and had all of my symptoms including a growing "bump", but with a blighted ovum that is normal. When you have a blighted ovum your body is still producing HCG, which means that you still feel pregnant even though the baby is not growing. 

The doctor's office was having me come in every couple of days for blood tests to check my HCG levels. My numbers were coming back ok but not great. They should have been doubling every 48 hours and they were coming close but not quite. This too is another sign of a blighted ovum. 

I had two weeks of hoping for the best but feeling like it would be the worst. I tried to hold out some hope, but it is really hard to do that when just three months ago I buried my baby. I tried to spend my two weeks preparing myself for the worst thing to happen, but even as much preparing as I tried to do, I knew that if something was wrong, I wouldn’t be prepared- you can’t be prepared for that.

So, for two weeks I have spent my time in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy, praying, and crying.

Praying that we get to keep this baby.

Praying that Tanner and I can have a baby to hold in our arms.

Praying for some hope.  

During these two weeks one of the things I cried about was not telling everyone as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  There is strength in numbers and there is power in prayer and by keeping this a secret I felt like I was robbing this baby of prayers. Everyone says to wait to tell everyone that you are pregnant until you are twelve weeks along because that is when you are “safe.” 

I call bull. 

I lost Robby at 23 weeks, I should have been safe, but I still lost my baby. You aren’t ever really safe. Yes, the chances of miscarriage decrease after 12 weeks, but they do not go away.  I know so many women who lost their babies after 12 weeks. They weren’t safe either.

I thought about how many prayers I could have had during those two weeks. Hundreds of people read my blog. Those are prayers that my baby and I could have had. Those are people who could have taken a minute to say a quick prayer, but instead I thought we should wait until after my first appointment- after we saw a heartbeat.We told a handful of people, but we could have told everyone and had so many more prayers. 

My doctor wanted to push my ultrasound off until Friday, but I called and begged the nurse to move it up a little bit. I really wanted the ultrasound last Friday, but she said no. She said that we needed to wait until we could see a heartbeat. 

I am so blessed to have good friends to encourage me and check on me each day. I knew that each day I could count on a text, call, or facebook message from each of them. The words of encouragement gave me a boost of hope each day.

So, today was the day. 

We went in and sat down. My hands were shaking and I was already crying in anticipation for something to be wrong. Tanner was leaning over the bed, holding me. My mom was sitting in the chair beside the bed with tears in her eyes as well. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the worst.

Then the wand moved across a tiny little beating heart. 

Today I am announcing that I am pregnant and I love my baby!

Please keep us all in your prayers!