It has been six months.
Six months since I gave birth to our son, Robby.
Six months since we held our precious little boy in our arms.
Six months since Robby went to go be with Jesus.
Six months since our lives were changed forever.
Some days it seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms, but other days it feels like it was another lifetime ago.
After Robby died I had a friend who had lost a baby tell me that it would get easier as time went on. I remember thinking six months ago that it sounded impossible. How could losing my baby get easier as time went on? How could I continue on without our baby boy?
Well, even though the pain hasn’t lessened any, I have found ways to cope.
I now have several support groups full of women who, just like me, have lost a child and some have even lost children. When I am having a difficult day they rally around me and tell me that what I am feeling is normal and okay. When I get angry and need to explode they let me explode on them because they understand. They know what it is like to just feel mad at the world.
I have learned to lean on my husband, family, and friends during my hardest days. I don’t know what I would have done without any of them these past six months. I have so many people who continue to check in on me several times a week and some check in on me daily even six months after we lost Robby. I have even been blessed with people that I have never actually personally met that check in on me frequently. Friends of friends, friends of my mom, and people who have become friends with me through the online support groups. I still have days that I don’t want to talk to anyone, but I really appreciate that they are thinking about me and care enough to still check in on me.
I have learned that it is okay to cry. Some weeks I cry every day, but I have noticed that I now sometimes will go several days or even a week without having a good cry. Sometimes it all builds up and just explodes. That happened about a week ago. All it took was to see a picture of a beautiful little newborn boy pop up on my newsfeed to send me into tears. I cried and cried and cried, and then I felt a little better. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. Sometimes crying really can help.
I have learned that I love to talk about my son. I have noticed that a lot of people are scared to bring him up, but I love to talk about Robby. I love to talk about when I was pregnant with him because that was the only time I had with him. Even though sometimes I cry when I talk about him I still love to hear his name and I love to say his name.
One of my biggest fears since we lost Robby was that people will forget him. When we announced that we were having a girl one of my girls, Brittany, wrote this on my Facebook and it made me realize that the people who truly loved Robby won’t ever forget him. He will always have a special place in their hearts.
“YAY YAY YAY! baby Ellie is a new part of the smith family we are all so happy that it was a baby girl team PINK all the way baby!! but we will all still miss baby robby he will always be in our hearts and loved forever and ever ♥ LOVE- aunt Bri Bri:)”
Just recently I have learned that two opposite emotions, joy and grief, can exist at the same time. I grieve the loss of Robby each and every day, but at the same time I have so much joy every day that Ellie is growing and thriving right now. I never would have thought that I could feel these two emotions at the same time.
But most of all, I try to remember that even though I can’t carry Robby in my arms; I carry him in my heart everywhere- everyday. I doubt our family will ever feel complete because Robby isn’t here with us. I can't imagine ever being able to take a family picture without being sad that our little boy isn’t here with us. I doubt we will ever take a family vacation when I won’t think about how it would have been if Robby were with us. Life won’t ever be the same, but it isn’t supposed to be the same. Robby changed our lives so much and in such a drastic way.
“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you, wherever you are.” ~Nancy Tillman