And Then There Was Robby Bear

Monday afternoon while I was lying in bed, Tanner came back with a package. I figured it was something that he had ordered for his truck, so I didn’t pay too much attention to it. Then when he opened the box my heart melted.

It was our Robby Bear.

 

After I posted my blog about Molly Bears, Bridget messaged me and told me that she had read my story and it touched her so much. Each month she and the other bear makers have the option to bump someone on the list up and make their bear early. Bridget wanted to bump up my bear and make it right away! Instead of a 14 month wait I was going to get my Robby Bear  within the month. So, I knew it would be coming sometime soon, but I didn’t expect it to come this quickly.

I can’t even describe what I felt when I got to hold my Robby Bear for the first time. For the first time since February 24, I was able to feel Robby’s exact weight in my arms.

When I hold my bear I can close my eyes and go back to the day that he was born and feel his weight again.

This was such a special gift and I can’t even describe how much comfort it has brought to me. On my Robby Bear’s tag it said:

“Our hope is that when you hold your Molly Bear for the first time you will find peace and comfort.” And that is exactly what I felt.

  Yesterday was my day with my four girls who are like little sisters to me; Brittany, Brooke, Courtney, and Abby. They were thrilled to see our Robby Bear! The girls had been just as excited to hold Robby as I was, but since he was born so early they were never able to hold their precious nephew. They were thrilled to get to hold Robby Bear and feel exactly what Robby weighed. Before they left my house yesterday, they each went and picked up Robby Bear again, gave him a hug and a kiss, and told him goodbye, which brought tears to my eyes. When I was pregnant with Robby they would all hug my bump and say goodbye to him before they left.

 

I want to thank Molly’s mommy, Bridget, for making our special Robby Bear. It is everything I imagined and more!






Click Here To Learn More About Molly Bears

Happily Nauseous

As I come to the end of my first trimester, instead of feeling relief that I am now “safe” from miscarriage, I am feeling terrified of entering the second trimester. I lost Robby when I was in my second trimester- a time when I was supposed to be “safe.” 

 Although I am scared, I am also very happy that we have made it through the first trimester as it is one step closer to having what I like to call our “take home baby.”  Being pregnant after having a loss you have to take one step at a time, one day at a time, and even though I am terrified of being in my second trimester, I try to be positive and look at it as being closer to having a live, healthy baby in my arms- a baby that we (hopefully) get to take home. 

We had our NT scan on Monday and for the past several weeks before the appointment I was scared. This is so completely different than it was when I was pregnant with Robby. With him I was just so excited to get to see him at each and every sonogram that I wasn’t as scared. I was terrified that when we got there, Baby B’s heart wouldn’t be beating. Well, much to my relief Baby B’s heart was beating beautifully! Baby B had a perfect heart rate of 170 and we all got teary eyed at the first sight of Baby B moving around on the big screen.

The doctor's office was running over an hour behind, which was annoying to me because that meant that I had to sit longer with the 32 oz. of water in my bladder which I had to drink for the test and then hold it for an hour and a half! However, as soon as we got to see Baby B the discomfort faded and I didn’t mind so much!

The tech had a horrible time getting measurements because Baby B just wasn’t going to move for her! Baby B wanted to do his/her own thing and as much as the tech poked and prodded on my belly (and my very full bladder) Baby B just wasn’t moving in the direction that the tech needed. We were able to enjoy watching Baby B move....just not the way they needed for the test.

As I was telling the girls this story Abby said:

“Well, Baby B is clearly a girl because she was being a diva!” 

Baby B 12 weeks 3 Days

I am still feeling really yucky all the time because I am on progesterone. My dad thinks it has nothing to do with the progesterone- he is telling people that it is because 2 females can't cohabitate in the same body and get along! Obviously, my dad believes that Baby B is a girl!

My weight has been dropping by a few pounds, so my doctor had to call in some nausea medicine for me. Smells really get to me; my mom can’t even make a baked potato in the house without me throwing up! Even as difficult as it is to eat, I love each and every sick moment of this pregnancy. I never thought I would thank God for feeling sick and throwing up! I just have a greater appreciation for the small things now. I am even grateful for the small, uncomfortable things (like the nausea) because they are a reminder that Baby B is still here and doing okay. 

Sine I have so many food aversions I am having a difficult time eating anything, but currently the food I am able to keep down is Spaghetti O’s! I am also really craving bacon!  I am also a big fan of movie theater popcorn with lots of butter and plain M&M's sprinkled in! Yum! I am working hard on keeping my calorie count up as well as taking in as many grams of protein a day as possible. I am thrilled that my "bump" has grown faster this time even with the weight loss. Tanner loves to fall asleep with his hand on my bump as it makes him feel close to our baby.

At this point in my pregnancy with Robby the only thing on my mind was finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I was thinking about the nursery theme and looking at clothes. I was in a happy La-La Land....a naive land where bad things don't happen. This time I can honestly say that I haven’t thought about if the baby will be a boy or a girl because it just truly doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters to us is that this baby is our “take home baby.” We are even considering not finding out the sex of Baby B until birth.

With Robby, we took a day trip to Oklahoma City when I was 16 weeks. It was a WONDERFUL day. We saw Robby, learned that he was a boy, and then went to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate. We were hoping to do the same thing this pregnancy but my doctor informed me this week that this was not going to happen. 

Since I don’t plan on buying anything, registering, having a baby shower, or setting up the nursery it just makes sense for us to consider not finding out the sex of Baby B until birth. It will be something different for us to do this time and I think it will be fun! I know there are some that won't understand that I don't want to do the "normal" things like set up the nursery or register for baby gifts, but I have to do it this way for me- for my mental health. Packing up all of Robby's things and putting them in storage was heart wrenching. We will make sure to have the necessities on hand for Baby B and all of the rest will fall into place.

The time is passing by slowly, but I am trying my best to relax, be calm and positive, and enjoy it. I would have given anything to get to stay pregnant with Robby longer, but instead I only had 23 beautiful weeks with him. This time I am not wishing my time away. I am savoring it- all of it.  

Please keep me and Baby B in your prayers as we enter the second trimester.

Baby bump 12 weeks 3 Days

Molly Bears

On February 24, 2012, my life was changed forever. After five days in active labor at the hospital and at only 23 weeks pregnant, I gave birth to our precious little boy, Robby. He lived in my arms for only two hours before going to heaven to be with Jesus. It has been four months and eleven days since that tragic day that we lost our baby boy, and ever since that moment that we had to give Robby back to the nurse at the hospital to send to the funeral home; my arms have ached for my baby.

When you lose a baby you not only have a broken, aching heart, but you also have aching, empty arms. The whole time I was pregnant with Robby my favorite thing to sit around and think about was getting to hold my precious baby boy. I thought about getting to hold him for the first time after he was born and how special it was going to be. I thought about getting to rock him to sleep in my new rocking chair and how I was going to hold him and love on him all the time.  What I didn’t imagine was that my time with Robby was going to be cut so incredibly short and that I would only be able to hold our sweet little boy in my arms for only a few hours.

  

Now I have this constant ache in my arms- it is an ache for my baby. 

A month after we lost Robby one of my good friends in one of my support groups told me about Molly Bears. 

Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that was started by Bridget, who lost her daughter. Her daughter, Molly, was stillborn. Bridget knows exactly what the ache feels like and because of that ache she started Molly Bears. 

Molly Bears are handmade, weighted teddy bears that are designed to weigh exactly what your baby weighed.  My bear will weigh 1 pound 4.4 ounces. What is so special about a weighted teddy bear? Well, I realize that it won’t do anything miraculous like bring Robby back or cure pre-term labor, but it does help mothers, like me, who are grieving the loss of their child. 

This organization runs solely on donations. When you sign up to receive a personalized bear they don’t charge you at all. 

Molly Bears is starting to run out of funds. They have sent out over 1,500 teddy bears since they started 23 months ago, but in order to keep making and sending out bears they need more donations.

What I love about Molly Bears is that you know exactly what your donations are going toward- they are going toward filling a mother’s empty arms and lessening the ache by at least a tiny bit. 

I haven’t received my Robby Bear yet, and it could be a whole year before I do. There are thousands of women like me who are waiting on their bear. I sent a donation and ordered my bear back in March and I can’t wait for the day that I am able to hold my Robby Bear and feel the exact weight once again that my sweet, precious baby boy was. I never imagined I would only get to hold him for a few hours, and each day I think about the time when I did get to hold him and I try to remember how it felt. 

Even though I will never get to hold my Robby again, I believe that the memory of holding him will be sweet as I cuddle my Robby Bear in my arms and remember my angel Robby.

Click This To Learn More About Molly Bears