6 Months Later

It has been six months.

Six months since I gave birth to our son, Robby.

Six months since we held our precious little boy in our arms.

Six months since Robby went to go be with Jesus.

Six months since our lives were changed forever. 

Some days it seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms, but other days it feels like it was another lifetime ago. 

After Robby died I had a friend who had lost a baby tell me that it would get easier as time went on. I remember thinking six months ago that it sounded impossible.  How could losing my baby get easier as time went on? How could I continue on without our baby boy? 

Well, even though the pain hasn’t lessened any, I have found ways to cope.  

I now have several support groups full of women who, just like me, have lost a child and some have even lost children. When I am having a difficult day they rally around me and tell me that what I am feeling is normal and okay. When I get angry and need to explode they let me explode on them because they understand. They know what it is like to just feel mad at the world. 

I have learned to lean on my husband, family, and friends during my hardest days. I don’t know what I would have done without any of them these past six months. I have so many people who continue to check in on me several times a week and some check in on me daily even six months after we lost Robby. I have even been blessed with people that I have never actually personally met that check in on me frequently. Friends of friends, friends of my mom, and people who have become friends with me through the online support groups. I still have days that I don’t want to talk to anyone, but I really appreciate that they are thinking about me and care enough to still check in on me. 

I have learned that it is okay to cry. Some weeks I cry every day, but I have noticed that I now sometimes will go several days or even a week without having a good cry. Sometimes it all builds up and just explodes. That happened about a week ago. All it took was to see a picture of a beautiful little newborn boy pop up on my newsfeed to send me into tears. I cried and cried and cried, and then I felt a little better. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. Sometimes crying really can help.

I have learned that I love to talk about my son. I have noticed that a lot of people are scared to bring him up, but I love to talk about Robby. I love to talk about when I was pregnant with him because that was the only time I had with him. Even though sometimes I cry when I talk about him I still love to hear his name and I love to say his name. 

One of my biggest fears since we lost Robby was that people will forget him. When we announced that we were having a girl one of my girls, Brittany, wrote this on my Facebook and it made me realize that the people who truly loved Robby won’t ever forget him. He will always have a special place in their hearts. 

“YAY YAY YAY! baby Ellie is a new part of the smith family we are all so happy that it was a baby girl team PINK all the way baby!! but we will all still miss baby robby he will always be in our hearts and loved forever and ever ♥ LOVE- aunt Bri Bri:)”

Just recently I have learned that two opposite emotions, joy and grief, can exist at the same time. I grieve the loss of Robby each and every day, but at the same time I have so much joy every day that Ellie is growing and thriving right now. I never would have thought that I could feel these two emotions at the same time.

But most of all, I try to remember that even though I can’t carry Robby in my arms; I carry him in my heart everywhere- everyday. I doubt our family will ever feel complete because Robby isn’t here with us. I can't imagine ever being able to take a family picture without being sad that our little boy isn’t here with us. I doubt we will ever take a family vacation when I won’t think about how it would have been if Robby were with us. Life won’t ever be the same, but it isn’t supposed to be the same. Robby changed our lives so much and in such a drastic way. 

“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you, wherever you are.” ~Nancy Tillman 

97 Days Until Thanksgiving

Today we had our anatomy scan with our MFM, Dr. O’Hara. At the anatomy scan they look at the baby’s heart, brain, stomach, kidneys, liver, gall bladder, arm lengths, leg lengths, spine, etc. to make sure they all look okay and are all growing normally. Since this was a pretty important appointment, I have been really nervous for the past week or so leading up to this sonogram. 

So, today we went in and got to see Baby B for about a 45 minute sonogram, which was great! Everything looks perfect and the baby looks very healthy so far! It was like a little visit with our baby and what a wonderful 45 minutes we had watching Baby B move and wiggle and be totally uncooperative for the ultra sound tech!

After our sonogram we had an appointment with Dr. O’Hara for a check- up. She said that other than the contractions I have been experiencing, things look good. My cervix looks good and that is very important. She told me to continue to take it very easy and just do exactly what I am doing. Hopefully the shots will continue to do their job and Baby B will stay put for a long time! Dr. O'Hara is hopeful that I can make it to 32 weeks and that would be Thanksgiving. 97 days. Baby B needs to hold on and hang in there for at least 97 more days.

So, the big news from today’s appointment is that our baby is healthy! However, we do have another bit of exciting news to share. Tanner and I have been on the fence about finding out if Baby B is a boy or a girl, but we decided that we do want to know. 

We are having a little girl! 

When we got home from our appointment we had several visitors come over to see the new pictures of the baby and hear about the appointment. First Caitlin came over. She knew before the appointment that we were going to find out the sex of the baby, so she was really excited to come over and get the news! She thought girl all along, so she was pretty excited!

Emily, Sally, and Katie also came right over to find out boy or girl! Emily came over with a pink cupcake and a blue cupcake. She held them both out and told me to pick which one it was! Her face was priceless! Emily had also thought girl all along.

While Sally, Emily, Katie, and Caitlin were here we were talking about our baby girl and somebody said that she will be one spoiled little girl and Tanner said:

“Oh, she will get anything she wants!”

Well, we already know who has Daddy wrapped around her little finger!

Then, the four girls came over! I didn’t tell them that we decided to find out boy or girl so they came over to see the new pictures of the baby. They had no idea that we knew the gender! After they heard about the appointment I asked them if they wanted to play a quick game of Skip-Bo with me. What they didn’t know was that we had already set up the cards and on the very last of their draw pile my mom had written out a note that said  It’s a Girl!

So, we started to play the game and as the pile got smaller my dad grabbed the camera to get a video of their reaction. Abby is the one that drew that very last card and what a reaction we got! She didn’t get it at first, but she did after a second and they are all thrilled that they are going to get a niece!

When we were pregnant with Robby we had a girl name picked out and we had planned to use that name at whatever point we were blessed with a girl. About a week ago when Tanner and I were talking about names we changed our minds and decided to go with something different, an older not so trendy name, and a name that has a whole lot of meaning to us- especially me.  We have chosen the name:

Delphine Smith

and we will call her Ellie.

Delphine is a family name- it was my great grandmother’s name. Growing up I was very close to my Great Grandma. I was born on her birthday, so we always shared a very special bond. 

Great Grandma was one of the strongest Christian women I have ever known. She had so many obstacles thrown in her way, but no matter what happened she leaned on her faith,  had the best attitude, and continued on. She was a strong, compassionate, loving, Christian woman. She was someone I looked up to and admired.

That is how Tanner and I want our little girl to be- we want her to be exactly like Great Grandma, so we thought that it would be very fitting to name our precious little girl after her.  We haven't decided on a middle name yet. We are tossing around about 3 different names for little Ellie's middle name- but there is plenty of time for that. 

So for now, we will continue to bond with and love our little princess Ellie.

Ellie's Sweet Profile

Ellie's Precious Little Feet

I'm Scared

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant.

I love my baby so very much.

and 

I am scared. 

Up until this point my pregnancy has physically been fine. I have had really bad nausea, acne, and I have been incredibly tired, but those things are not problems in pregnancy- those are symptoms of pregnancy- symptoms that I am so thankful to have. This pregnancy has been difficult on me emotionally because I am scared that I will lose this baby like I lost Robby.

On Wednesday morning I woke up to a sharp pain in my belly- a pain that I knew meant something was wrong. I called my doctor and they had me go in to check my cervix. 

The good news is that my cervix is still long and closed, but the bad news is that I have already started to have contractions. Yes, some people contract throughout their pregnancy, but since I went into preterm labor with Robby we are all on high alert.  My doctor gave me a much higher dose of progesterone, told me to drink tons of water, take Benadryl (to help calm my uterus,  and take it really easy. 

Today I went back into the doctor's office because I am now 16 weeks pregnant, which means, that I got to start my p17 shots. The purpose of the p17 shot that I am going to take every week is that it will hopefully help calm my uterus down to keep me pregnant longer. I will take these clear up until I deliver Baby B. The shot goes into a muscle, and the liquid is really thick, so it does hurt going in and left me sore, but I am certainly not complaining and I would gladly take the shot in my eye if that’s what it took to keep me pregnant until after Thanksgiving. 

Since my goal is Thanksgiving I am now officially half way, but even though I should feel relieved, I am scared. I am so very scared. The contractions brought back the memories and emotions from when I went into labor with Robby. It is very important that the contractions stop. Baby B needs ALOT more time to grow and develop. So, Baby B and I could use your prayers right now. 

 We need prayers that the contractions stop, prayers that the p17 shots do their job, prayers that God leads my doctors in making the right decisions, and prayers that Tanner and I will be blessed with our take home baby.

Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

16 Weeks

Baby B 15 weeks 5 days