This
morning while I was sitting in my rocking chair, rocking my sweet little Ellie,
I started to think about this past year and all that it has brought us.
This
year has been a year of: life and death, a funeral and a homecoming,
sorrow and joy, answered prayers and some prayers not answered the way we
had hoped, lessons learned, new friends made, and so much more.
2012
has by no means been an easy year. It has without a doubt been the hardest year
of my life, but yet as the year comes to an end I find myself very thankful for
a special little someone who blessed us with her presence this year.
The
year started out in complete and utter devastation when Robby died. I didn’t
think that we could ever continue on without our precious little Robby. When we
lost Robby I truly learned that life is not fair and that as much as you want
something, sometimes it just does not happen. God has a plan and only He knows
what it is.
While
I was in the hospital laboring with Robby I spent so many hours pleading with
God to please let us keep Robby, but in the end I had to accept that we live in
an imperfect world where bad things happen. It wasn’t the doctor’s fault, God’s
fault, or even my own fault. It was a product of us living in a sinful and
imperfect world.
Having
to hand Robby over to the nurse after he died was truly the low point of my
year. Even though I have learned to deal with Robby’s death I have not “moved
on.” As I have said in blog posts before I will never move on from Robby
because he is a part of who I am- he makes up a large part of my story.
When I
got pregnant with Ellie things started to look up for us. I made it past 23
weeks and we were starting to feel comfortable with the possibility that I
could make it at least until Thanksgiving with Ellie, but Ellie had plans of
her own and graced us with her presence three months early!
Ellie’s
birth was by no means the picture perfect birth, but what I had to keep
reminding myself when I was in the OR was that Ellie was 26 weeks and she had a
great chance of not only surviving, but thriving. We had a rocky start in the
NICU when Ellie got pneumonia and was on the ventilator for 5 weeks. There were
days that she struggled so much, and I wasn’t sure that she would make it, but
our little princess pulled through and surprised everyone! As Dr. Hsaio said
"Ellie is kick a**."
I
truly did learn about the power of prayer while Ellie was in the NICU. Shortly
after Ellie was born my mom started a facebook group to keep family and friends
updated on Ellie’s progress. Well, little did we know- Ellie’s group grew to
over a thousand people! I never dreamed that there would be so many people out
there “Loving Ellie.” I have to say, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude to
all of the people out there who have become invested in Ellie, people who
faithfully pray for Ellie, people who have cried with us on the rough days as
well as cheered us on with each victory- big or small. Ellie's group is a great
reminder that there is power in prayer!
As the
year ends I can’t look back on the whole year and say that it was an amazing
year, but I can say that I am extremely thankful that in the midst of our
storm, a beautiful rainbow blessed us.
For
those of you that don’t know, a rainbow baby is the name that is given to the
baby born after a loss. It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not
negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that
the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath-
it means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst
of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow
provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Ellie is the true
definition of a rainbow. She has brought so much light and hope into our lives,
and for that we are thankful.
I wish
that Robby could be here to be an earthly big brother to Ellie, but that is not
an option. Ellie has a wonderful big brother up in heaven who is always
watching over her, rooting for her, and sending her love.
I am
thankful that Ellie is here to help us ring in a new year and I plan to spend
each and every day enjoying every moment.
“Do
not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the
present moment.”
~Buddha