I Want My Yellow Onion, I Want What’s Fair

Warning: This post contains This Is Us spoilers

Last night I tuned into This Is Us where I proceeded to bawl my eyes out as we watched Kate go through something that 1 in 4 women go through- a miscarriage (HopeExchange.com). At the end of the previous week we were given a glimpse of what this week’s episode would be about. I thought that I was mentally prepared to watch this episode, but boy was I wrong. This episode was more emotional than I had prepared myself for. The whole show hit home from the first few minutes when the ER doctor told Kate that although she should expect bleeding, there was no reason why she couldn’t go back to living her life, and that the good news was that since they were able to get pregnant once, that they could try again in four weeks. So many of us experience comments like these during some of the hardest days of our lives.

When we first learned about Kate’s pregnancy, she was scared to be excited about it because she was afraid that it wasn’t really going to happen. But then we watched as she did get excited about her baby. She was doing everything right, but in the end,  she still lost her baby.

One of the  most emotional moments of the episode for me was when Rebecca opened up about her own loss with Kate. Kate and Rebecca haven't always had the best relationship, but they are now part of the same club which is a club that no woman wants to be part of. Although their losses were different, it didn't matter. When Kate questioned how she could be this sad even though she hadn’t even met her baby or even knew if it was a boy or a girl. Rebecca didn’t try to compare their losses, but instead she told her that she understood because she had never held Kyle.  When you lose a baby, whether it is an early loss, a late loss, or a stillbirth, you still lose a baby. You are losing all of the hopes and dreams that you had for that baby. Rebecca told Kate about a time in the grocery store when the babies were still very little and her loss was still very raw. She had been holding her grief in, but that day it all came out. As I watched this part of the episode I related to it so deeply it that it hurt.

In the store Rebecca was breaking down over a bag of yellow onions. When she turned her back for a moment, they were taken by someone else.

“I want my yellow onion”

“I want what I came for, I want my yellow onion”

“It's not fair that I have to sit here and go without my yellow onion”

“I've been planning this dish for a whole week”

Those are just a few of the quotes from Rebecca at the store, but if you replace the word baby with yellow onion, you see quotes that run through every loss mom's head at some point.

I want my baby

I want what I came for, I want my baby

It's not fair that I have to go without my baby

I've been planning his life since I found out I was pregnant

So far, This Is Us has done a wonderful job at accurately depicting the pain of child loss. I might have bawled my way through this episode,but I was satisfied with the way in which they portrayed this devastating event.  It is my hope that they continue to tackle this difficult subject that personally touches so many.

Dear Birthday Princesses

Today we celebrated two very special birthdays! Delphine turning 5 and Alice Ruth turning 1! We are so very blessed with these two little miracles, and our hearts are so full!

Dear Delphine,

I can’t believe that you are already 5 years old.The years are truly flying by.  It seems like just yesterday you were born extremely early at 1 pound, 12 ounces. There were so many unknowns on the day you were born, but if I had known then what I know now, I would have not have cried as many tears or lost nearly as much sleep as I did worrying about you and your future. You are bright, beautiful, spunky, bossy, full of energy, smart, inquisitive,funny, perfect, and you have so much love in your heart.You are a Mimi’s and Papa’s girl for sure. You love to be in the kitchen with Mimi and run errands with her. Papa makes time to play with you every single night after dinner without fail- which I am certain is your favorite time of the day! You had a wonderful start to the year 2017 as Aunt Jessica joined our family! Your Uncle Bobo and Aunt Jessica got married and they chose you to be their flower girl! You did an amazing job!  The highlight of your year was most certainly our trip to Disney World! You enjoyed every single minute of our week there. Your favorites: the princesses, the rides, and the food! You love to be outside running, swinging, sliding, and playing in the sand and your Molly-doodle is always at your side! You have such a love for books, and it makes my heart so happy! You will just sit and listen to as many books as we will read to you!  You love to shop, especially at Target! Your favorite toys are Barbies, Shopkins, puzzles, My Little Ponies, and kitchen stuff. Your favorite doll is Baby Molly (Bitty Baby) and you love to carry her everywhere we go! You amaze us everyday with your imagination!  You don’t have imaginary friends, you have 4 imaginary “children” that go with us everywhere- even to Disney World! At our layover in Minneapolis, we had to stop in the middle of the airport and wait for your “children” as you were becoming hysterical that they were unable to keep up with us and falling too far behind! You are in homeschool preschool this year and we do school together 3 mornings a week. You love school and are doing really well at it! Last year right around your birthday you announced that you wanted to be called your “real” name- Delphine! Although it was a difficult switch for us all to make, I love that you want to be called Delphine because as I look at you I can see and feel the strength and connection between you and your namesake. This past year has been quite the adjustment, as you still have so many obstacles that we are trying to overcome due to your extremely premature birth. I know that you don’t understand why you have to make your eyes work together and why you have a “cutie mark” on your chest or why it is so important that you don’t get sick. I know you can’t possibly comprehend at this point in your life what chronic lung disease is or means- although you try! I know you get frustrated when we have to work on the correct way to pronounce letters and words and I know it is truly hard for you.  However, even with all of these obstacles that this year has brought, you have continued to flourish. You have accomplished so much this year! You now say your “f” sound correctly, something we had to work on day after day, week after week, month after month for over a year. You also mastered the left- right-left-right pattern- which was an obstacle for you from the ROP you had as a baby. Once you could cross over and do the left, right, left, you were finally able to ride a bike!  You might not always like having to do “eye games” and it might take bribery, but we are trucking through, and  I am so very proud of you. I look at you and know how incredibly lucky we are that you are here with us, and that the obstacles you are facing could be so much worse. My beautiful and perfect Delphine, we are truly blessed beyond measure with how healthy you are! You are our beautiful little miracle! You have had so many prayer warriors praying for you since the day you were born, and you are so very loved!

I love you so much! Happy Birthday Princess!

Dear Alice Ruth,

I can’t believe it has been a whole year since you were born. I always thought that after Delphine, that you were going to be my “laid  back child”, but you have proved me wrong! We should have known you would be high maintenance when you crashed your sister’s birthday! When you were born, we called you our “big baby” because you weighed a whole 5 pounds! Compared to your older brother and sister, who were each born at just over a pound, you really were a big baby to us! We now call you our little teapot because you are short and stout!  You are a mama’s girl through and through, and although at times (like when I desperately just want a long, hot shower) it can be frustrating, I will admit that I love that you are such a mama’s girl. You and your sister have such a special bond, and it just seems to be getting stronger as you get older. Your little face lights up as soon as your sister walks into the room. You seem to love everything about her….right down to her big girl, choking hazard toys! You bring so much joy to our lives, even when you are crabby (which honestly, is  a lot of the time).  You are so full of love and slobbery kisses!You are a sweet little nursing baby and I will forever treasure the time we spend together while you nurse. You are a lover of food and your favorite foods are: chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, and donuts! You are our child who truly hates sleep! If you nap it is a power nap and you are always up at the crack of dawn! Although 4 am is pretty early for me, I enjoy our alone time each morning. We sit in “baby jail” together and play toys. You love Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse and because our household is all about Moana, you love Moana, the movie and the music! It is the cutest thing to see you dance when the music starts to play!  You love to sing Pat a Cake, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, and I’m a Little Teapot! Your favorite toys are the Fisher Price Princess castle, and babies (dolls). You absolutely love babies, and as we go down the toy aisles at Target and you see a baby you make sure to yell ba ba! You don’t ride in a stroller like your sister, you are what we call our Tula Baby! You love it and start to dance and bounce around when I pull out the Tula and we have a nice long walk at Target!  No matter how tired I have been, I have loved every minute of our year together! You are adorable, perfect, strong willed and full of orneriness!

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl!