Thankful But Struggling

Being pregnant after losing a baby is a difficult mindset to have. 

When I was pregnant with Robby, the most important things on my mind were if he was going to be a boy or girl and what our nursery theme was going to be. That was what was on my mind and that was the extent of my worry.  

If only I could go back to being that naive…

This time however, it is a whole different ball game. I have a different mindset, and the only thing on my mind these days is whether or not I will get to hold this baby for longer than two hours. I sit around thinking about how far I need to get (in the pregnancy) so that this baby can survive and come home with us. I sit around and hope and pray that God lets us keep this baby, that this baby doesn’t go to join Robby up in heaven. 

I can’t even bring myself to think or to worry about if this baby will be a boy or girl because that means I am planning for the future, a future that isn’t certain.  I planned on Robby being here, I planned on him being here with us this month- actually this week (June 22), and what did I get for planning?

I still avoid the baby sections at stores. So far, being pregnant hasn't helped me to overcome this obstacle.

Recently I went into Old Navy to pick up a maternity tank top, and I ended up having a meltdown because of course the maternity clothes are right by the baby section. Baby clothes still make me cry. I should have a baby right now who could be wearing those adorable baby clothes.

I don’t plan on buying anything for the nursery or for the baby and when I do buy it will only be what the baby actually needs- such as a car seat, diapers, and a couple of onesies. I just can’t let myself go there again. I can’t let myself go buy things for this baby after we very recently had to pack up all of Robby’s things. I can’t do that again.

I hate going to Dr. Hague's office (my high risk OB) because each time I do I am surrounded by not only pregnant women, but also by women with babies- new, crying, beautiful babies.  I should have a new crying baby, so hearing that beautiful sound hurts my heart and makes my arms ache for my baby. 

I went to dinner the other night with my mom and Caitlin and Caitlin (bless her heart) had to ask that we be moved to a different table because there was a baby right beside us-crying, which then made me cry. 

A good friend of mine, who also had a very recent late loss, asked me if being pregnant has helped me any. That was a difficult question to answer because my feelings are just different now. 

I still miss Robby. I miss him terribly, but now along with feelings of sadness I now have fear. However, losing Robby has taught me something very important. 

I have learned to cherish every single moment of pregnancy. 

When I look in the mirror each morning and I see the fiftieth pimple pop up on my face, I thank God.

When I feel nauseous, I thank God. 

When I am so tired that I think I could fall asleep standing up in the grocery store, I thank God. 

I have learned to appreciate each and every moment that I get with this baby, even if I am sick and tired and covered in pimples! I love that I get to be sick and tired because that means that I am pregnant, that for today this baby is still thriving and growing. It means that my body is still letting our baby mature and grow some more.

Sally- “ How is Miss Prego feeling?”

Mom- “Nauseous”

Sally- “Yay! Yay! Yay!”

We are just so incredibly thankful for each and every pregnancy symptom!

So for now I am trying to focus on the fact that today I am pregnant and I love my baby.

 

This Friday, June 22,  was supposed to be my due date for Robby. A big thank you to my girls (Brooke, Brittany, Courtney, and Abby) for going to the cemetery with us and launching balloons with little notes in them to our sweet little Robby. 

For all of those asking- here is my "Baby B" update:

~I feel nauseous first thing in the morning and then again by late afternoon until bedtime. 
~I crave Sbarro pizza, lemonade, Super Ropes, and Movie Theater popcorn (from the movie theater) with plain M&Ms mixed into it.
~My doctor put me on a dose of progesterone nightly to help sustain my pregnancy and a baby aspirin daily to help prevent blood clots and cervical inflammation.
~My bump is quite a bit bigger this time than it was last time at the point in the pregnancy.
~Although my bump is low (like a boy) it seems to be not quite as low as it was with Robby. We will see if it continues to move up or if I am just going to carry Baby B low.
~I am 10 weeks pregnant. The fun fact of the week that I gave the girls this week was: "Baby B" no longer has a tail!

~Baby's heart rate was 184 on the sonogram at our appointment.

On Friday I got in the car to run some errands with my mom and I noticed a round red spot with a deep purple ring around it. There was a small red spot in the red that looked like a spider bite so I immediately started to freak out. My thoughts were something like this…

“ Oh my gosh spider venom is going to get to my baby!” 

So, I went into the minor emergency room and told them that I am pregnant and paranoid and I think I have a spider bite. The doctor came in, took a look at it, and very calmly told me..

“Well, it looks like a bruise!”

Yep, I went into the minor emergency room for a bruise!

This is going to be a long pregnancy- for me and my doctors, but this little baby will be worth each and every moment because Baby B is such a wonderful blessing from God. 

Strength In Numbers

For the past two weeks I have been in a stand still. I have been spending my time in bed watching season after season of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. I started on season one and I have made it to season five. Some days I don’t even get out of bed to shower.

On May 12^th I got a positive pregnancy test. The day before Mother's Day- it was a gift. I felt happy, scared, nervous, and hopeful all at the same time. When I got my positive test with Robby I just felt joy, but this time is different because I knew to be worried, I knew that I was not safe. 

On May 24, the three month mark from when we lost Robby, I started to have some sharp cramps on my right side. I called my doctor’s office and the nurse told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound just to make sure everything looked okay. When I went in for my ultrasound I should have been six weeks.  Instead of seeing a beautiful six week baby, we saw an empty sac that measured four weeks. I was crushed. Since I was positive of the first day of my last period and I had charted my ovulation I knew I could not be two weeks off on my dates. Because of how early it was I knew that a week off was normal....the baby is still so small at this point....but two weeks? No way.  My doctor told me that I needed to go home, relax, and wait two weeks before coming in again for another ultrasound. 

Two weeks? Why so long? And relax- no way!

I had two weeks of waiting and wondering if I am still pregnant or not. I had already started to wear some maternity shirts because I am already looking really pregnant, but during these two weeks I refused to wear anything that was maternity. I wouldn’t even wear the belly band that I love so much.

I had two weeks of Googling everything under the sun trying to figure out what could be going on. I spent so much time trying to figure out why I could be two weeks off. I read story after story of different women who had this happen, but for every good story, I read one that did not turn out so well.

I had pretty much decided that what could be going on is a blighted ovum. That is when the sac grows, but the baby does not grow inside of it. During these two weeks I was still nauseous, hungry, tired, and had all of my symptoms including a growing "bump", but with a blighted ovum that is normal. When you have a blighted ovum your body is still producing HCG, which means that you still feel pregnant even though the baby is not growing. 

The doctor's office was having me come in every couple of days for blood tests to check my HCG levels. My numbers were coming back ok but not great. They should have been doubling every 48 hours and they were coming close but not quite. This too is another sign of a blighted ovum. 

I had two weeks of hoping for the best but feeling like it would be the worst. I tried to hold out some hope, but it is really hard to do that when just three months ago I buried my baby. I tried to spend my two weeks preparing myself for the worst thing to happen, but even as much preparing as I tried to do, I knew that if something was wrong, I wouldn’t be prepared- you can’t be prepared for that.

So, for two weeks I have spent my time in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy, praying, and crying.

Praying that we get to keep this baby.

Praying that Tanner and I can have a baby to hold in our arms.

Praying for some hope.  

During these two weeks one of the things I cried about was not telling everyone as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  There is strength in numbers and there is power in prayer and by keeping this a secret I felt like I was robbing this baby of prayers. Everyone says to wait to tell everyone that you are pregnant until you are twelve weeks along because that is when you are “safe.” 

I call bull. 

I lost Robby at 23 weeks, I should have been safe, but I still lost my baby. You aren’t ever really safe. Yes, the chances of miscarriage decrease after 12 weeks, but they do not go away.  I know so many women who lost their babies after 12 weeks. They weren’t safe either.

I thought about how many prayers I could have had during those two weeks. Hundreds of people read my blog. Those are prayers that my baby and I could have had. Those are people who could have taken a minute to say a quick prayer, but instead I thought we should wait until after my first appointment- after we saw a heartbeat.We told a handful of people, but we could have told everyone and had so many more prayers. 

My doctor wanted to push my ultrasound off until Friday, but I called and begged the nurse to move it up a little bit. I really wanted the ultrasound last Friday, but she said no. She said that we needed to wait until we could see a heartbeat. 

I am so blessed to have good friends to encourage me and check on me each day. I knew that each day I could count on a text, call, or facebook message from each of them. The words of encouragement gave me a boost of hope each day.

So, today was the day. 

We went in and sat down. My hands were shaking and I was already crying in anticipation for something to be wrong. Tanner was leaning over the bed, holding me. My mom was sitting in the chair beside the bed with tears in her eyes as well. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the worst.

Then the wand moved across a tiny little beating heart. 

Today I am announcing that I am pregnant and I love my baby!

Please keep us all in your prayers!